#71: A Realistic Attempt at Meditating

HUMOR

Get comfortable. Find a straight spine as you sit up tall or lay flat. We’re going to begin by setting our intention.

Is my head always this heavy on my neck? Maybe I should lay?

As you ground yourself in your intention, soften your gaze.

Crap, my eyes were supposed to be open? It’s too late to lay down now, I’m just going to have to balance this melon head on my wobble neck.

Breathe in through your nose.

Not the whistle.

And out through your mouth. Again. In through your

Whistle. Whistle. Like Roy Kent from Ted Lasso. Ha.

On your next exhale, gently close your eyes. Start to notice the sounds around

I forgot to request those images from the design team for next week’s blog and now they’re going to be late.

Come back into your body. Start to scan

What was that joke idea I had earlier today? For the newsletter…no I think it was a standup bit. Something about motorcycles?

Notice how your neck feels. Your throat

God, my throat is dry. I should take a quick sip of water.

Your shoulders

No, if I open my eyes it’ll ruin it.

Your chest

Did I fill up my glass? I think it’s just on the corner of my desk. I could probably

Your pelvis. Thighs.

SHIT.

Knees.

My wet wet knees.

And finally your feet. Now, come back to your breath.

Oh, I think the joke was about posture?

Where do you feel your breath? Maybe in your belly, your nose, or your throat.

I really hate the word throat.

Find where you feel your breath and sit with it there in your body. Are your breaths short or long? Shallow or deep?

Ha. Like, your breath is so vapid and materialistic.

If you haven’t already, go ahead and start to count your breaths. One on the inhale. Two on the exhale. Up to ten.

One…two…three…four…

If you get distracted, start again from one.

What was that girl from my seventh-grade soccer team named? She was friends with Jenny and would dry shave her armpits in the locker room? Crap. One…two…three…four….five…six…seven…eight. Wow I’m doing really—fuck. One…two…

Remember, you can always begin again.

four…five…six…seven…I think it was Cassie? Or Carly?

When thoughts creep up, allow them to float on by as you anchor yourself in your breath.

One…two…three…four…The joke was about happy trails! I need to write that down right after this. Okay. One…two…three…four…

Now, allow your mind the space to do what it wants. If it wants to think, let it think.

…

…

… Oh you’ve got to be kidding me! Now, you’re still?! Well, I guess not anymore.

Wonderful, now bring your attention back to the breath once more.

One…two…three…four… This is ridiculous.

Begin to notice the sounds around you. Feel the points of contact between your body and the surface beneath you.

six…seven…eight…nine….I bet this would make a good newsletter.

Shoutout to the Headspace app, which did not sponsor this post, but I’d be geeked if it did. I’m back on my meditation game, and as you can tell, I’m out of practice.

Do you meditate? Do you have internal dialogues with yourself? Even when you’re supposed to be doing something else? How do you handle them? Has anyone actually figured out how to quiet their mind? Let me know in the comments.

I’m gotta go try to successfully count ten breaths.

ily bye!

Ariana