#57: Car Alarms Should Be More Annoying and Specific, Actually

HUMOR

As a light sleeper who insists on living in loud-as-crap cities, random car alarms double as my ill-timed alarm clocks. There is one in particular that blares in the wee hours of the morning on a consistent and infuriating basis. It struck me as I was staring at my ceiling at 4am nodding along to its vehicular metronome, that it could be my car alarm going off each morning.

You see, we discovered a few weeks ago that someone had been using the hood of my Camry as a step stool to hoist themself up into the empty storage locker above my parking space. Based on the strong scent of urine and the cooler lunch box we found inside (I knocked to make sure no one was home, don’t worry), my car was serving as a welcome mat for somebody’s crafty new abode.

Unfortunately, the resident was evicted by way of our landlord slapping a lock on the empty locker. (Anyone want to place bets on whether he scrubbed out the pee first?) We haven’t found any boot prints on my hood since, but still. How long had my car served as some rando’s front porch without me noticing? Had my car alarm been going off all along? Instead of getting up to investigate had I been silently cursing the car owner (myself) and calculating if it was too late to pop another melatonin (yes)?

I can’t have these questions keeping me up at night when there are already so many car alarms keeping me up at night. So I present to you: a case for bespoke car alarms. Ditch the boring blaring for a custom sound that will alert you to whether or not the alarm is actually your problem.

I’ve taken the liberty of dreaming up some alarm templates. If Tesla steals this idea, I will sue. Actually, I welcome it. I’d love to take custody of some of Elon’s money.

Bespoke car alarm examples:

1. For when you forget where you parked and you’re not even sure if this is the right floor of the garage:

   Beep! Beep! Beep! I’m over here, dummy! Beep! Beep! Beep! Come and find me! Me! Me! Me!

2. For when someone is trying to break into your car and you just really can’t afford that right now:

   Waa! Waa! Waa! Please don’t waste your time! Waa! Waa! Waa! There is nothing of value in here! Waa! Waa! Waa! Seriously, it’s just going to be a glassy mess for us both! Waa! Waa! Waa! Sorry I’m poor! Waa! Waa! Waa!

3. For when the neighborhood kids are hanging out in your driveway because it’s on a hill and the incline is fun to roll down but one of them just got their training wheels off and keeps careening into your parked car:

   Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! I don’t want to be one of those people who’s like Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! get off my lawn Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! but you gotta stop side-swiping my Toyota Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! or I’m gonna have to call your mom! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

4. For when someone is using your car as a step stool to illegally habitate in an empty storage locker:

   Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Please get down from there! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! I don’t wash my car enough to get rid of all these boot prints! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! And when people ask me about them I don’t know whether to play dumb or tell them this mildly concerning anecdote! Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo!

5. For when you want to make sure the ruckus is your problem:

   Ah! Ah! Ah! [INSERT NAME HERE] this is your car alarm! Ah! Ah! Ah! Come take care of this! Ah! Ah! Ah!

If you had a custom car alarm made, what would it say?

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• The sun is green. This baby loves trees. Dogs are artists too.

Happy Mother’s Day weekend to all the mamas out there! We’re very grateful for you. ❤️

ily bye,

Ariana