#38: Home for the Holidays

HUMOR

Happy holidays, hotties!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year and everyone’s favorite time to travel. Remember, humans are in their purest, truest form at the TSA checkpoint in the days leading up to Christmas. Go ahead. Pour your full water bottle on the linoleum floor so it doesn’t trick that silly x-ray machine. Slide around in your socks like the airport is your own personal Risky Business. Scream at the top of your lungs. What are they going to do about it? It’s not like airport security is strict.

My journey from LAX to IND was highlighted by a little old lady yelling as we deplaned, “Some of us have another flight to catch!” as if deplaning as slowly as humanly possible was a great Hoosier pastime. These Middle Americans are so slow! I don’t want to stop and smell the roses. I want to hurry up and yell! In her defense, she stood at butt-level of the other passengers already standing in the aisle, so she couldn’t see the first classers hustling off.

Some polite midwesterners, who were not connecting to JFK, filed back into their rows to let our brazen New York grandma crawl down the catwalk. She was truly the slowest woman I’ve ever seen. You had to hold your breath and strain your eyes to detect any movement from her at all. If she was going to miss that flight, so was everyone behind her. As she inched onto the jet bridge, an airport employee offered her a wheelchair.

“Hi ma’am, would you like to take a seat?”

“I CAN’T, NOW CAN I? I’VE GOT A PLANE TO CATCH!” she roared, gaining half a millimeter.

At this point, a swarm of New Yorkers flooded the ramp, scurrying right past the old bird. She clearly would’ve made better time with the help of the chair, and we all knew it.

We arrived early at gate B16. Our New York pals had 20 minutes to get to their connection at gate B6 before it started boarding. If you’ve never been to the Indianapolis airport, you won’t understand how ridiculously doable this is. It’s safe to say even our salty snail made in time.

Hope she made it safely home and never stops living the fast life. That’s the Big Apple, baby! I’ll gladly settle for the Small Corn and our beautifully compact airport.

In other news, Indy peeps, I’ll be performing at The White Rabbit in Fountain Square for the annual Home for the Holidays show Friday, Dec 23. Tickets are 10 buckaroonies and show starts at 9 if you want to brave the 5-degree evening. We can laugh and freeze our bits off together!

This will be the last Respectful Smartass post of the year. After 53 issues over 38 weeks, I’m ready for a break. I’m taking the next two weeks to rest, recharge, and hang out with my family in Indianapolis. And I’m not even going to feel bad about not being “productive” hopefully probably! Laziness doesn’t exist! This is no time of year to indulge in capitalist scams!

We’ll be back and better than ever in 2023. I’m very excited for what’s to come.

Hope you can enjoy this time with loved ones and revel in gratitude for another year in the books. Here’s to you and 2022!

See ya next year,

Ariana