Ladies, germs, and gender fluids!
We are officially Top 20 in the paid Humor category on Substack! #16 to be exact. AND we’re Top 50 in Humor overall, sitting pretty at #46. This is Exciting! Stuff! and you are to blame! Isn’t that lovely? You did it. Let’s keep doing it. Thank you for sticking around with me. It’s so great to have you here.
Our newsletter isn’t the only thing that’s Hot! Hot! Hot! This DC summer is a sweltering one. Please enjoy the satire it’s inspired while I’ve perspired.
Is she really doing another swamp ass newsletter? Yes, yes she is. Because she can, and also because she suffers from swamp ass daily, not just one time in your inbox, so please be a little more considerate and read her sweaty little satire.
My Swamp Ass Evolved into a Self-Sustaining Ecosystem
A single bead of sweat slithers down the crook of my spine, streaking a salty path under my tank. For a moment, the bead glimmers in the summer sun, traversing the inch of exposed skin between crop and high waist. Just as quickly as it was exposed, it’s gone, cresting the supple hill of my buttocks before plummeting into the crack. There, it pools, mixing and merging with the other salinated beads, now indistinguishable in the sloshy mess.
It’s 97 degrees, and a wet stain is blooming from my jean shorts’ middle seam. Yes, I sweat through denim. Regularly. What goes on beneath the fabric is more than steamy. It’s teeming with life.
You’re likely familiar with the term swamp ass. It’s basically slang for sweat getting caught between your cheeks. But let me tell you, if you experienced an actually self-contained, biodiverse swamp around your bootyhole, you wouldn’t use the term so lightly. My ass is a literal swamp, and I live to tell the tale of my tail.
Like the swamps of Earth, my asscrack is a seasonally flooded lowland, filled with salty seawater-like sweat pools every summer. What I didn’t realize, was that the jean shorts I’ve been wearing religiously since my sophomore year of high school let in enough light for the microbes that naturally chill on my butt skin to photosynthesize, making my buns an absolute playground for microscopic, subaquatic life.
They’ve got everything they need. Energy from the sunlight streaming through my old American Eagle “stretch jeans.” Nutrients from the, ahem, environment. (Don’t get me started on the natural fertilizer.) And an easy process for recycling wastes, because it’s literally a butt.
Honestly, if your swamp ass is only metaphorical at this point, how? ~NatURe is hEaLinG.~ Let it go where it wants, even — dare I say, especially — if it’s got its sights set on the real estate in your rump.
*One of the synonyms for butt is apparently “rusty dusty” which I love but wasn’t sure how to incorporate since this post is about a non-dusty rear, but I still wanted you to know that. Enjoy.*
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Thank you as always for reading. Let me know what you think in the comments below or drop a like if you want to gift me with a momentary blip of serotonin that just might convince me this whole writing thing isn’t just a holler into the void. 🥰
Happy weekend!
Ariana
I almost hate that I can relate to this so much. Long live the ecosystem!
ass