#3: How to Hot Girl Breakdown
SATIRE
Editor’s Note: In the context of this article, “Hot Girl” is a genderless term referring to all hotties — not just the girls, gays, and theys. Think of it in the way we’ve used “you guys” to mean whoever is around for decades. Here, you can be a Hot Girl with any pronouns.
If you also live on the internet, you’ve probably seen the recent influx of Hot Girl Walks and That Girl Attitudes for mental wellness. But it can be difficult to find resources for Hot Girls who want to feel worse. If you’re in the market to shake loose your last marble, you’re in the right place. Take your next breakdown from drab to fab in just four easy steps.
Step 1: Take a Hot Girl Walk of Shame
Set aside 20 minutes to get outside and walk without your phone. A few minutes in, you will likely feel the urge to check Instagram, or worse, to post an Instagram Story of yourself on this very walk.
Phones are toxic poison sludge, and you are clearly an addicted ho-bag. Spend the rest of your walk in deep shame about this. Bonus points for crying so hard you snot and have to turn away in humiliation when you pass a neighbor on the sidewalk. Hey, at least you got some vitamin D today! (The D stands for Disappointment.)
Step 2: Embrace the Hot Girls Who Came Before You
Every time you see someone you admire, preferably a celebrity or public figure, look up their age. If, for some reason, you’re admiring “normal people,” LinkedIn is a great place to start. Check their college or high school graduation year and do the math backward from there. Got it? Great.
Oh look! They’re slightly older than you. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back. There’s still time for you to follow your dreams and get out of the ramen-stained, Dorito-dusted crewneck you’ve been wearing for three days! But wait, how old were they when they started doing the thing you wish you could do? Much younger than you are now? I figured. Cue the funeral procession music. Your dreams just died of natural causes.
It’s called the Forbes 40 Under 40, not the Forbes List of People Who Lived a Lifetime of Trial and Error Which Led to Success, Failure, and Self-Actualization Worth More Than Some Silly Award. If you’re not young and lucky, who even cares?
Step 3: Attempt a Routine Task While Spiraling
If there’s one thing Hot Girls love, it’s self-care. Why not attempt to do a simple self-care task while you’re on the verge of a panic attack? When you find yourself slipping hard and fast into a breakdown, instead of taking a few deep breaths or turning to your journal, attempt something you do all the time but will absolutely not be able to accomplish in this state.
If you have long hair, attempt a messy bun. You might just end up shaving your head! Other unviable options include: Find something to wear in the closet filled with everything you own that you suddenly hate. Relace a shoe. Try to thread a drawstring back through the hood of your hoodie. Restart your wifi router. Play Wordle.
Whatever simple task you choose, I promise your sudden ineptitude will speed up your spiral astronomically. If you’re going down already, might as well beat the traffic! A lucky few may earn the satisfaction of a few viscous, white-hot tears along the way.
Step 4: Listen to Your Hot Girl Within
Are they intrusive thoughts if you invite them in? Spread a welcome mat at the threshold of your consciousness and let those bad boys inside. Hot Girl Listening is likely to include: Rehashing that time you said, “hey, what’s that on your face?” to a kid in seventh grade, when it was, in fact, a birthmark on his face. Way to go, bully. How humiliating. You should stew on that for several hours, at least. Maybe you can find that boy (now certainly a man) on Facebook and send him a really long, rambling apology?
Or you can relive the time you had your first period at school, bled through your pants, and when you stood up to reveal a crime scene, shouted, “OH NO, I SAT IN CHILI!” Good save.
Also, consider the possibility that all your friends, even the very best ones, secretly hate you. Or worse, not secretly at all. They’ve been dropping hints for months, and you’re too stupid to notice. You should comb back through every interaction you’ve had with them for the last calendar year to check for signs of hatred. After all, Jenny didn’t sign your birthday card, “Love your biggest fan.” It just said, “Love.” That’s definitely a sign.
Remember, Hot Girls Break Down too!
I hope this helps induce your next Hot Girl Breakdown. Remember, you are no less of a Hot Girl for having your quarterly, monthly, or even weekly mental breakdown. Let me know how you Hot Girl Breakdown in the comments below!
Thanks so much for reading! As always, if you know a Hot Girl who might like this piece, please share share share.
If you’re in the DC area, I’ll be at in Dupont Circle with Rails Comedy next Wednesday, 4/20 👀🍃 telling some jokeroonies. Come eat pretzels and laugh with me!
ily bye,
Ariana