#83: An Open Letter to Migraine Scientists
HUMOR
Dear Migraine Scientists,
I write to you today to offer myself as a point of study. My relationship with migraines began at the exceptionally young age of four. I’ve always been an overachiever. I’m told that’s part of the problem.
Since then, I’ve taken every sort of migraine medication imaginable. You know them all of course, dear migraine scientists, but I’m going to list them anyway because I’m anal like that.
I’ve tried daily prescription medications and Triptans at the onset of pain (which gave me diarrhea, by the way — thanks for that). I’ve had dozens of needles inject toxins all over my skull. Advil and Tylenol haven’t worked on my migraines for years. And I’ve purchased enough Excedrin Extra Strength to warrant a personal holiday card from their CEO. I got my daith pierced. Don’t worry, prudes, that’s just part of my ear. It was supposed to work as some sort of acupressure thing, and it kind of did. I smell peppermint oil and dab IcyHot on my brow bones. I do the pinching of the pressure points and the head massage. I close all the windows and hang blankets over my blinds. I wear an eye mask and ear plugs and curl into the fetal position when I think I might hurl.
The point is: I’ve tried all the things and nothing seems to work. I’m currently enrolled in a clinical trial migraine study. Turns out, I rank in the 98th percentile for migraine frequency. Hell yeah! Don’t call it an achievement complex.
Throughout the study, during my monthly visits to the hospital Headache Center and when filling out my daily headache diaries, one thing has become abundantly clear: You guys have no freaking clue what migraines are.
Like seriously, no clue. Could any one of you call me right now and explain in laymen’s terms what a migraine is? Heck, I’ll take the scientific lingo. It’s worth the Google. Could you? Any of you? No. You can’t. Because you don’t know!
Is it because migraines are three times more likely to affect women than men? Yeah, I’m playing the vag card. Are you really going to let us continue to suffer after the year of Barbie? Get real!
Here are some explanations I’ve been given by doctors and scientists about what causes migraines: too much blood in your brain, waves over over-activity in the brain, lady hormones, and hysteria, probably.
Here are some explanations for migraines I’ve been told are myths by doctors and scientists: too much blood in your brain, waves over over-activity in the brain, lady hormones, and hysteria, probably.
I know you are all working on it, and these things take time. I believe in science! But I also believe you should speed this shit up. So I’ve decided to swoop in and help. You’re welcome. We love women in STEM!
I’ve compiled some theories of my own and listed them below. Please peruse at your leisure and credit me in any scientific journals or papers that cite this evidence. Thanks.
Ariana’s Theories as to The Cause of Migraines Based on Her 22 Years of Personal Experience
Migraines are caused by the little ice-pick man who lives in your brain. He goes off on assignment and treks from your gray matter to the point of pain. My ice-pick man is assigned to the area above my left eye, which he tends to thoroughly and regularly. He punches his time card, sets down his thermos and lunch pail on the rim of my eye socket, and then goes to work ice-picking into my skull. After lunch he ice-picks from the skull side into the back of my eyeball, working his way around the ball in a sharp, pulsating rhythm. He’s an artist with his ice-pick, really. He knows his stuff. A metronome for the pulsating pain of my migraine concerto.
Perhaps a migraine occurs when the caged bird of your mind tries to break free. She squawks. Her cries reverberate inside your skull. The vibrations make you seasick on the waves of your own being. As she frantically flaps her wings you feel claustrophobic in your own skull. For some, the force of her flaps causes shimmering apparitions in their periphery. As she struggles to break free, she flexes her talons. Then, she begins to gauge. She claws and scrapes, fruitlessly attempting to gauge your eyes out from the inside. Ultimately, she will fail. But the pain will make you believe this time she might succeed.
Or maybe a migraine is caused when the sheer capacity of thought of the migraine sufferer has exceeded the bounds of their human form. The brain attempts to MegaMind itself, pushing against the skull, hoping to balloon out and make space for the big ideas. The stubborn solidness of the human skull won’t allow this transformation. So the sufferer suffers and her too-big ideas rattle against the pain points begging to take up more space and be let free.
Also potentially dehydration?
I hope these theories help further your study. Feel free to mail a check.
Apologies for the delayed send of this letter. As you can imagine, I had a migraine.
Best of luck in your research. No pressure, but we’re all counting on you, and if you don’t figure this out soon I will hunt you down.
Until then, my head hurts,
Ariana
Have you looked at food allergies as a possible cause? Townsend had migraines (not nearly as often or as bad as you have) for years and finally found it was in reaction to her eating soy protein. Typically, now when she gets a migraine she can trace it back to some specific food item she ate the day before. If you haven't already tried it, you might try keeping a food log for a while (what shouts STEM more than keeping a log after all).
As someone who is in the same boat but not on the same frequency... I feel for you.
I have gone Gluten-Free in the past 3 months and my most recent Migraine was not as debilitating as the previous had been... now that is a scientific study of 1 person, 1 migraine, 1 observation. As your former Statistics teacher, I know you can see the the significance of this statistical analysis.