#98: Find Your Plane People

QUIZ

It’s almost summer break, and that means many of us are hopping on planes headed toward home or hot new vacation destinations. For all its rules and regulations, air travel can feel like the Wild West. Perhaps it’s the overt lawfulness of TSA that frees us up to indulge in the lawless lost time of the airport once we’ve made it past security.

Money spent in the airport doesn’t count. Snoring with your mouth open four inches from a smelly stranger is suddenly socially acceptable. And somehow it’s legal to watch a saucy R-rated film with the kid in the row behind you silently staring through the crack at your screen.

Something changes when those flight doors close and we embark on a shared journey in that pressurized tin can in the sky. (Hypocritical considering TSA confiscated my spray sunscreen on my first-ever flight.)

All this begs the question: Who are you really when you take to the skies? Here’s a quiz to find out.

1. How do you look fly? What are you most likely to wear on your next flight?

a. I’m suited to the nines. Take me back to the PanAm days, darling. Tie, cuff links, wingtips. Flying is a formal affair.

b. Sweats, babe. Comfort is key. Trapped on my booty for hours in the frigid blast of the A/C? I’m trying to make this as tolerable as possible.

c. Jeans. I don’t get why you wouldn’t wear jeans. You sit around in jeans on any normal day, but suddenly when you’re traveling it’s weird to wear jeans? It’s not weird. Okay?

d. A matching set. I want loungewear that makes me feel good, look good, and differentiates me from the tasteless peasants.

2. Where are you sitting? Tell me your preferred seat selection.

a. Aisle. I’ll be getting up every half hour to do some light stretching. I will also accidentally fall asleep with my knee just barely out of bounds so it gets smashed by the drink cart.

b. Window. I need to be able to drool up against the window shade. Goodnight!

c. Middle (on purpose). I just really like to be in the mix. If I sit on either end there’s less opportunity to make conversation. So what are you flying for, work or pleasure?

d. Exit row. I’m not over 6 feet tall, but I like to live as if I am. Choose your seat selection for the height you want, or however the saying goes.

3. How do you like to spend your time in the skies?

a. I will be paying $7 for the wildly inconsistent WiFi so I can get my grind on and curse the internet connection under my breath because I have Very Important Work to do.

b. Snoring. I’m asleep before takeoff.

c. Networking! Socializing! Chitchatting! Who doesn’t like to be trapped in a conversation with a stranger for a predetermined and nonnegotiable number of hours?

d. I will be binging as much of the in-flight entertainment as possible. Back to back. In-flight announcements be damned.

4. What’s your sky-time potty preference?

a. I take attending to my business very seriously. I go when I need to go.

b. Because I will be sleeping, I will hold any bodily waste until the end of the flight. The urge to go is likely to set in about 30 minutes before landing. At which point, I will convince myself I can hold it until we deplane. Crisis will set in when we’re waiting on the runway for the plane at our gate to disembark. I will either break into a sweat trying to hold it or tinkle a little on the seat.

c. I keep a consistent schedule of relieving myself every hour on the hour, so I will be asking you to get up several times. Sometimes you just gotta go! Again and again and again.

d. I would never admit this, but I am deathly afraid of being sucked out of the plane through the toilet. So I’ll wear a discreet adult diaper under my matching set.

5. What’s your in-flight snack of choice?

a. Hot coffee and a Biscotti biscuit I will request but not open, eventually dropping it into my briefcase where it will migrate to the bottom and be pulverized into crumbs.

b. Nothing because I will sleep through every opportunity to get something and then when I finally wake up I will stare desperately and longingly at the flight attendants trying to telepathically communicate my pathetic hunger to no avail.

c. Tomato juice, no snack. I like to drink my meals.

d. Diet Coke no ice and two packs of snack mix. Mama loves a freebie.

Results: Your Plane People!

Mostly A’s: The American Dream

You’re a highfalutin, high-flying guy in the sky. Clearly, you mean business on land and in the air. You likely have a cache of airline points, a strict airport regimen, and an enviable collection of compression socks. Respect.

Mostly B’s: The Southwest Sleepyhead

Any flight is an opportunity to make up for the massive sleep debt you’ve accrued in your jet-setting life. You’ve got your earplugs and sleep mask. And you’ve farted yourself awake on at least one flight and covertly sniffed around to suss out if anybody noticed. (They did.)

Mostly C’s: The Frontier Friend

No matter where your flight’s landing, it seems like you’re always heading home. And you make a home of your row on the airplane just the same. You’re here for a good, chatty time, even if it’s a long time. I promise we appreciate your cheerfulness, even if it feels like we just want you to shut up.

Mostly D’s: The Delta Diva

This isn’t your first rodeo in the sky. You may not have access to the fancy airport lounge, but you know how to make economy feel like you’re flying in style. After all, first class is a state of mind.

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Written by your favorite Southwest Sleepyhead on the plane before I passed out. Wishing you all safe travels this summer and beyond!

ily bye,

Ariana