#96: 6 Gazes that Deserve Your Hotness More Than the Male One

HUMOR

Have you ever found yourself strolling down California Avenue in overalls so baggy they swallow your ass whole and thought this booty is not for the boys today? Of course, it’s never really for them, but it is often on display which is a big help to the catcaller’s chronic lack of imagination. The patriarchy will have even a feminist pondering if the male gaze is sophisticated enough to infer a booty exists even if it’s buried in fabric.

It’s the age-old question: If a hot girl hots in the forest and no boys are around to objectify her, did the hot girl ever hot at all? The answer, scholars know, is a resounding yes. The hot girl hots!

Listen, I’ve never claimed to be a fashion blogger, but I do know this to be true. The hot girl hots. And many hot girls hot hotter without the burden of the boob-and-butt forward male gaze. So here are six gazes to dress hot for that deserve it more than the male one.

1. The Female Gaze

Let’s start with a classic. This one’s for the girls by the girls. Hot girls want to see other hot girls and affectionately shout, “Work, Mama!” So consider wearing business formal with a breast pump. Maybe include a spit-up-stained burp rag as a chic neckerchief.

2. Your Inner Child’s Gaze

Dress to be the hottest cool older girl little you would’ve followed around the mall if you had been allowed to go into Hot Topic. Wear what she would’ve begged your mom to buy a dupe of at K-Mart. This will range from hot girl to hot girl. For example, my ideal cool older girl was bespectacled and wore vests. Beauty is in the eye of the bullied beholder.

3. The Elderly Gaze

This one is unfortunately conservative and fortunately cozy. Wrap yourself In a shawl while showcasing your naturally greased-up joints and plump, youthful skin. This gaze is mostly about collagen and chunky knits.

4. The Gay Gaze

A household favorite. If you don’t know what I mean when I lovingly say you should, “serve cunt,” we are on very different sides of TikTok. Paint your whole face. Put gems in your hair. Drink glitter. Stomp around like a Clydesdale. Wear one thousand layers or half a layer total. Be the femininomenon Chappell wants to see in the world.

5. The Gargoyle Gaze

This one is all about angles. Imagine you’re a mythical beast entombed in stone dangling over 5th Ave perpetually spackled with bird shit. What would you want to see while watching over the girly masses? Hats! Or meticulously decorated graduation caps worn as everyday attire.

6. The Gaze of the Ghost of a Witch Burned at the Stake

She’s looking for the brainy, mystical, and mysterious. Go for looks that say you have opinions and can do math. Consider crystal jewelry and an abacus clutch. Sure you can’t fit your keys or wallet in the abacus clutch because it’s just an abacus you’re clutching and not a purse at all, but you know what it does fit? The secret equations to the universe our ghost witch never got to spill. This is a particularly mathy witch, okay? Just go with it. She literally died for this. Wear a cape.

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What gazes did I miss? Please comment your favorite gaze below!

ily bye,

Ariana