#9: Home is Where We Beat Bobby Flay

ESSAY

Hey humans,

I am home in Indianapolis for Memorial Day weekend, and I had big plans to reunite with all my friends, mainline Indiana’s state drink, and eat 74 Long’s donuts. But I’ve mostly been sitting on my parents’ couch watching Beat Bobby Flay in the general vicinity of my sisters. Indy pals, if I didn’t catch you this trip, my sincerest apologies. I know seeing me is THE event of the summer, but never fear. I will be back in July, and I would love to see you (probably)!

Gabby, me, and Bobby Flay under Christmas garland, May 2022.

Sitting on the couch of my childhood, leggings covered in dog hair, I regress into the purest form of myself — described lovingly by my family as “annoying as hell.” This is my Antagonist Era. And by era, I mean the entirety of my home life: past, present, and future.

I am a more obnoxious sister and daughter than I am an obnoxious comic or friend, which is kind of stupid because comedy audiences literally pay for wacky obnoxious humor. But no, I like to save that shit for my family that openly doesn’t want it and would absolutely not pay for it.

Today I asked each of my nuclear family members what they find most annoying about me. I immediately followed the question with, “This isn’t a trap, but don’t hurt my feelings.” That general sentiment was listed very high in the most annoying things about me.

It is true, I am incredibly and inconsistently sensitive. Something that may bother me today will make me laugh uncontrollably tomorrow, which may make you think oh it’s okay to joke about that now! Armed with that false sense of security, a Newhouse sister will crack a joke a week later and watch me cry myself dehydrated. What can I say, I’m a ~cAnCeR sUn~ and I’m not afraid to laugh, cry, and hold a grudge about it. Sue me (but actually don’t because that would hurt my feelings).

The top response from the fam was that my current Annoyance #1 is the voice. The beauty of the voice is that you can use it to make literally anything more annoying. Baking someone a cake can become nails-on-a-chalkboard delicious if you talk about your selfless cake baking in the voice. My the voice is a cross between the apparently kid and the voice patron saint Miranda Sings.

The best the voices are sneakily contagious. If you’re planning to create your own, I recommend adding a few signature catchphrases. I’m currently quite partial to “little” and “loveyousomuch.” Your goal should be for the voice to seep into the subconscious of those closest to you so they accidentally use it on the cashier at the supermarket and then feel very embarrassed but also inextricably connected to you forevermore.

An example of the voice from today:

Me (in the voice): Hey little Gabby do you want a little beef ramen or a little chicken ramen?

Gabby (my sister): I don’t want ramen.

Me: But if you get a little hungry later you’ll wish you had a little ramen like a little beef ramen or a little chicken ramen.

Gabby: I am on a meeting.

Me: I’ll just make you a little beef ramen. Loveyousomuch little meeting girl!

Please tell me you tried your best to read that in the voice. If you didn’t, go back and start again. Seriously. I’ll wait.

….

Did you do it? Lying is a sin.

Apparently, “my farts” are also very annoying, but what am I supposed to do about that? Hold them in? I’m a gassy girl, and frankly, that’s so feminist of me. Free the nip and the one-cheek sneak! Should I take a food sensitivity test to finally prove I’m lactose intolerant? Absolutely. But why take a test you know you’re going to fail? I’ll get oat milk in my latte to sound hip, but I’m happiest at Olive Garden eating an entirely cream-based meal. And my family should just accept me as I am and as I smell, okay?!

Farts aside, since August 24, 2013 (the day the first episode of Beat Bobby Flay aired) and probably before, I have ruined basically every movie and show we watch as a family by asking questions. Unless we’re in the theatre with enough popcorn to last the full 120 minutes, I will be interrupting, and you will be seething.

But like, why is she upset with him? Didn’t they already break up? And why are some of the Marvel characters just regular dudes with cool toys but others have full-on superpowers? And do you think the regular guys feel insecure about that? Or maybe it makes them even more confident because hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard? What season of Stranger Things is this? Have you seen this episode before? Wait, who is that? I thought she was blonde. Are Bobby and Giada still together? When did Bobby beat Flay?

I’m the worst.

Evidently, it’s also annoying to be very huggy and affectionate to my sisters when they are “literally about to run the mile” or “at work” or “can tell I forgot deodorant today,” but then to demand my personal space whenever they are feeling huggy. She’s hot then she’s cold. She’s yes then she’s no.

Is this the Mandela Effect? I do not remember Katy Perry’s hair ever looking like this??? Who is she even calling on that banana phone?

When I asked Vanessa (my littlest, yet tallest sister) what was most annoying about me, she said, “your newsletter.” And she doesn’t even subscribe! If you wholeheartedly disagree and want to help me annoy the crap out of her, please share!

Thanks as always for reading. If you couldn’t tell, I’m writing this at midnight, a mere 8 hours before the send. I hope the slaphappy shines through in a cute, funny, not totally unhinged way. Good night, good morning, I love you, goodbye.

Beating Bobby Flay,

Ariana