#88: 3 Reasons Not to Murder Your Partner Even Though Their Alarm Has Gone Off 12 Times in the Last Hour

HUMOR

Listen, we’ve all had those mornings where all we can manage to do is hit snooze. Your partner is human like the rest of us, and human life is precious, even when it disrupts your bizarre and enthralling dream in which Travis Kelce was a modern-day Achilles with a long braid and “VIVAAA LAS VEGAS” battle cry. Living with a partner comes with ups and downs. Like when you aren’t in the dream long enough to figure out if Taylor Swift is Thetis or a Trojan because every time you drop back in, the BEEBEEBEEBEEEEP! rips you right back out. The point is, it’s important to know how to handle your petty grievances so you don’t end up picking a fight or literally imprisoned.

If you find yourself wanting to “accidentally” toss your partner’s phone out your third-story window or, god forbid, murder them dead, read this li-BEEBEEBEEBEEEEP!-st to get your bearings. Your relationship (and your partner) can survive this. Probably.

1. Remember, you are (presumably) here with love. Sure, their alarm is disrupting your circadian rhythm in a way you won’t recover from for several days, but look at how cute they are half-asleep! Somehow they’ll be full-asleep by the time their next alarm sounds five minutes from now (you’ll know because it’ll take them a few rings to hit snooze again). Isn’t it lovely how deeply comfortable they are with you? So comfortable they aren’t worried about how you could definitely murder them in this vulnerable position because that probably hasn’t even crossed their mind. Like a puppy, belly-up waiting for tummy scratches, they trust you with their life! Ah, sweet fools in love.

BEEBEEBEEBEEEEP!

2. Murder is bad. That should be a good enough reason, right? Except, snoozing your alarm every five minutes is also bad. Bad for the snoozer (there’s no way they’re actually getting much rest out of that heavily disrupted sleep) and bad for the partner (you) who has been plagued against their will with murderous rage! Who’s to say what’s truly right and wrong? Bad and worse?

BEEBEEBEEBEEEEP!

3. Not to get unnecessarily dark, but actual murder would be such a hassle. It’s not like you’ve spent the past several mornings using the dreaded Alarms Hour to plan a swift, painless, and untraceable crime. You don’t have the stomach for it anyway. We both know you’d end up calling the cops on yourself, and the sirens are just like alarms with worse consequences. Plus, if you actually went through with it you’d be alone. Hard to imagine getting better sleep than when you’re alone, true. But think of all the other stuff you’d miss out on! The cuddles on the couch, laughing at the kitchen table, racing down to the bea-

BEEBEEBEEBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

On second thought, do what you have to do.

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Three Announcements!

1. I will be in London next week celebrating six glorious years loving Adam with my very first trip across the pond! Vacation mode is ON, so you won’t see me in your inbox next week. Pip pip cheerio and all that.

2. My little sister Vanessa’s friend Savannah graduated high school early to start her very own jewelry business! She is incredibly talented and sweet and you simply must check out her CUSTOM pieces and order some for yourself. She made me this cute red jasper anklet and necklace set that I adore.

   

   You can pick your stones and styles or rely on Sav’s genius for inspiration. She’s based in Indianapolis but can ship wherev. Shop small, women-owned businesses! Support hometown artists! Buy cool jewelry!

3. It’s Mamaw’s birthday! She’s once again celebrating with her Poop Sisters by the beach. Everyone send her a big hug and the best birthday wishes! ❤️

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If anyone knows where to get quintessential London high tea without a formal dress code (and formal price tag) lmk! Enjoy your week off from the respectful smartassery.

ily bye,

Ariana