#79: Slay Mama! This Woman Started Baby Botox on Her Baby

SATIRE

Mother knows best, and this mama knows it’s never too early to sip from the fountain of youth. Because women depreciate over time, this mother wanted to preserve her daughter’s likeness at its most valuable: infancy. That’s why she opted to Botox her baby the moment the umbilical cord was cut.

“It’s all downhill from here,” said the LA mommy, “but at least my daughter looked fresh-faced for her after-birth Botox injections.”

Okay, mother of the year!

Experts say women should start preventative “baby Botox” in their twenties and early thirties to avoid deep lines and wrinkles from forming. But have you ever seen a baby straight out of the womb? They’re so wrinkly already! For daughters, that simply won’t do.

This LA mother recommends Botoxing your girl baby right away so no one mistakes her for a little old man with Benjamin Button syndrome. Or worse, thinks she’s past her prime.

She cautions against, however, Botoxing your baby boy. You don’t want to ruin your son’s future zaddy potential by preventing fine lines. Remember the old adage, “Boys can age hot but girls cannot.” You all know this adage. From the ancient scripture. In the Bible, I think.

All mothers want better for their daughters. Why wait until adulthood to teach your daughter the importance of deleting all signs of her lived humanity, when you can prevent any evidence of forming at all? When it comes to Botox, start them young. Even if they live to regret it, they won’t have the frown lines to prove it.

Every woman knows she’ll never look younger than she does right now. Why not stay baby-faced forever?

Felt like a silly satire after a few weeks of more personal pieces. For the record: I am not an LA mommy. I do not support Botoxing infants. But if the shoe fits? Botox it.

ily bye,

Ariana