#75: It's the Most Horrorible Time of the Year

rant from a scared little baby + good news :)

Spirit Halloween is back from the dead. Pumpkin spice is in the air. The ghost of Rory Gilmore is haunting these very halls. It’s fall, people.

It may be 80 degrees, but autumn is upon us. You know what that means. Every other commercial is a preview for a horror movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Halloween as much as the next would-give-anything-for-the-excuse-to-dress-up-and-play-pretend girl. And I love curling up with some warm apple cider in a cable knit sweater to gaze out the window at color-changing foliage. I’m not a ghoul. But I can’t take the horror. It’s everywhere, and I didn’t ask for it.

One minute I’m suffering through an NFL game like a supportive girlfriend, the next I’m covering my eyes shouting “MUTE IT! MUTE IT! IS IT OVER?” because after what’s-his-face got sacked and Pete Davidson tried to sell me some Taco Bell, a little girl got possessed by the devil and shot towards my face as I was sitting peacefully in my living room. Even though I only caught 2.16 seconds of her demonic possession, the scene will invariably show up in my dreams every night at 4:12am for the next three weeks.

I know America has more pressing issues like the massive labor movement #WGAStrong and climate change and the staggering costs of healthcare to worry about, but I’d like to motion we get some commercial legislation in front of Congress stat.

How is it legal that while I’m watching a wholesome program about how to make a flan, I have to cover my ears, squeeze my eyes tight enough to pop a hemorrhoid, and sing “LALALALALALALALALA” during the commercial break to avoid seeing a mother possessed by a demon (classic) suck the soul out of her own flesh and blood daughter (why is it always a little girl)? Peeking to check if it’s over is far too risky, so I invariably miss the first few moments when the program is back on and all of a sudden I’m burning my future flan. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS? IT’S TIME TO STEP UP. WE NEED TO TAKE ACTION.

There should be a way to child-lock just the ads. I’m not calling myself a child, but I have the imagination of one. Given the sensory overload of a horror commercial — the shocking imagery, the piercing sounds, the visual effects that make the blood glisten and smear so perfectly you taste copper, the sooty smell I imagine lingering on these beings from hell — my entire body will ache as my mind runs wild with the story and how it might eventually apply to me. IT’S TOO MUCH.

Typing this is scaring me. I’m not even going to lie.

I am a weenie, and I believe other weenies out there also don’t want to be scared and scarred without warning. I’m thinking of throwing my hat in the ring for the 2024 election with this as my primary platform. This is what America needs. Thank you; goodnight; and God bless America.

In less terrifying news, one of my scripts placed in the Austin Film Festival! This is a huge accomplishment and a very big win for me. As many of you know, comedy writing in the film and TV space is my dream. This festival placement is a vote of confidence that I’m on the right track. I can do this. I’m good at this. My time will come. (After the strike, of course!)

Thank you all for supporting my work by reading and subscribing to this newsletter. If you’d like to support my trip to the festival (sadly a placement does not mean free entry and accommodations lol), now would be a great time to upgrade to a paid membership.

Thank you for reading my words. Please vote for me in 2024. 👻

ily bye,

Ariana