#72: A Brief History Lesson

HUMOR

I’m back home again in Indiana (cue the track), and I was struggling to find a topic for this very newsletter. I was wracking my brain last night (yes, I’m a procrastinator), when a text came in from my sister Vivian, a junior at IU. She sent it to the family group chat.

It read: *fun fact* me and dad are both affected by a disease called onanism that is to believed to be responsible for epilepsy and vertigo

As many of you know, my family calls me Ana. Pronounced on-uh. So we joked that the disease sounded like an illness in my namesake.

Vivian’s epilepsy and my dad’s vertigo are both understandably life-altering conditions. So when this new information was presented, my mom immediately googled the disease.

Dear reader, if you’ve googled it already out of your own curiosity, I apologize to your browser history. You might want to clear it before your mom gets home.

Onanism is known today quite simply as masturbation. My mom announced this sure Vivian had spelled the condition wrong. It couldn’t be. …Right? My dad, a bit slower on the keyboard, burst out of his room — it was past his bedtime — and rushed down the hall.

“Did anyone else google onanism?!”

We were in fits. Turns out, Vivian’s reading was from a Cultural History of Illness lecture. Don’t worry. Your next onanism will not cause seizures or vertigo or blindness or even rickets for that matter. Although, it may cause increased action of the heart. They knew at least a little something in the 18th century.

ily bye,

Ana (not of the ism)