#70: The Lions Are Loose

HUMOR

Happy Galactic New Year! The astrological lions are out of their cages, and the gates are wide open. Somebody cue Katy Perry’s, “Roar.” As all my star-heads will know: Earth, Sirius (the brightest star in our night sky), and Orion (of the belt) are all aligned in the constellation of Leo. That means we’re all growing manes.

If you’ve seen increased hair growth since July 26th, when the Lion’s Gate Portal opened, that’s not part of your horoscope. It’s just a coincidence. If you’ve felt an uptick in manifestation power, or you’re that Florida guy who won the Mega Millions and is now a billionaire despite those Ms in the contest name, you’ve got the stars to thank!

Seriously, if anyone knows that newly-rich Floridian, please send him this newsletter before we decide how to fry him up and eat him. Hopefully he’ll splurge for a paid subscription.

The Lions Gate Portal opens annually between July 26 and August 12. For us Earthlings, it symbolizes luck, abundance, and creating your own reality. The most powerful day of the portal is 8/8 because — hold onto your hats, I’m about to blow your mind — the number 8 is just an infinity symbol on its hind legs. Crazy, right?! I bet you never even thought of that. Long story short (or should I say standing tall?) 8 is a powerful number in numerology. Although it was not one of the winning numbers for the Mega Millions.

If you’re late to the party and thinking, thanks a lot for letting me know 3 days late you poophead, please watch your language. Do you kiss your mother with that internal dialogue? If you do, please don’t detail your Oedipus complex in the comments.

Back to the lottery thing. A boy on my team in college once said his family called the lottery the “idiot tax.” He interrupted a hypothetical what would you do with the money if you won the lottery conversation several of us were thoroughly enjoying with this comment. He could not read a room and was rude. We stoned him à la Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery.” So who’s the idiot now?

Anyway, as someone who has recently been told by a licensed professional that I need to stop being so hard on myself and try to think of the “best case scenario” instead of staying in my putrid little comfort zone with the worst one, I was grateful for my contribution to the idiot tax this week.

I spent a short while dreaming up everything I would do if my $2 investment turned into a Billy, and some of my answers surprised me. I’m not going to list them for you now. That’s between my dream journal, the lions, and me. But it was a cool exercise to really explore in depth. Obviously, money isn’t everything. But if you never had to worry about money again, what would you focus on instead?

If you’re not into the lottery thing, a hot girl on TikTok said she was celebrating the Lion’s Gate Portal by writing a letter to her 8- and 88-year-old selves to discuss their one precious shared life. I have nothing funny to say about that. It sounds like a good thing to do. And hot people are statistically easier to believe, so let me know if you try it out.

In conclusion, astrology is fun and cool. I like lions. And I hope you conspire with the stars to make your dreams come true.

Wishing you, your 8-year-old self, your 88-year-old self, and that random new billionaire in Florida a happy end to the Lions Gate Portal. 🦁

ily bye,

Ariana