#7: What Type of Road Rager are You?
QUIZ
Dear friends,
I’m sick and feeling ~horrible~ so pulling something from the archives this week. Here’s a quiz I wrote last year when I was mad at drivers or honkers? Probably both. It’s pretty angry so buckle in (car pun). As I write this, I can feel my pulse throbbing in my left lymph node which has swollen to the size of a golf ball. So if you hate this week’s edition, please blame my illness or the inevitability of failure or the innate flaws of humankind. ❤️
Without further ado, what kind of Road Rager are you?
1. When someone cuts you off you...
A. scream “YOU FUCKING ASSWIPE”
B. grip the steering wheel tighter and tighter until your knuckles turn white
C. mumble to yourself about how you “oughta add a dent to their bumper’s collection”
D. lay on your horn
2. When someone won’t let you over you...
A. scream “well FUCK YOU AND YOUR STEPMOM ”
B. internally recite David Foster Wallace’s “this is water” until your eyes bleed
C. exclaim “where could be so frickin important to get to 20 seconds faster in your 2001 Toyota Camry???”
D. lay on your horn
3. When someone slams on their brakes you...
A. scream “FUUUUUUUUUCK,” drive around them, cut in front, and slam on your brakes repeatedly
B. get fed up and hit them on purpose then act really shocked and hurt when you pull over to inspect the damage
C. yell “what kind of MORON can’t slow down at an appropriate speed? it’s like you WANT me to hit you? Idiots”
D. lay on your horn
4. When someone is driving too close behind you...
A. scream “THE ONLY PERSON ALLOWED THAT FAR UP MY ASS IS A CONSENSUAL STD TESTED SEXUAL PARTNER OR MY FUCKING GASTROENTEROLOGIST”
B. fart and chuckle to yourself as you say, “How’s my butthole tasting back there?” they must be in a big hurry!
C. slow down to a crawl. “Two can play at that game, bucko!” they weren’t so clever after all
D. install a horn in back, lay on it
5. When you finally zoom past a slow driver you...
A. flip them off (and scream)
B. realize it was an old person and silently cry in your vehicle because you are young scum and they are nearing the end of their beautiful time on earth
C. peer at them through the window willing them to make eye contact with you so they can feel what an asshat they are
D. lay on your horn
6. When someone ignores the big flashing arrow saying to get over because the lane ends and zips past the line of responsible traffic you’re in, you...
A. scream
B. hope they’re in labor or suffering a life-threatening allergic reaction
C. ride the bumper of the car in front of you so closely you could smell inside their car; make eye contact with the line cutter; cackle when no one lets them over at the last second
D. lay on your horn
7. When no one in particular is at fault but you’re still stuck in traffic, you...
A. roll your windows down and throw your screams into the surrounding cars as if out of a t-shirt gun at an NBA game “AAAGJUJ” “UUUARGHJ” “AFFDFJKHG”
B. do a quick meditation to calm the eff down and find some goddamn zen on this air polluted interstate
C. fly past everyone on the shoulder and risk wrecking because you’re not a fucking PEASANT
D. lay on your horn
Road Rager Results
Mostly A’s: The Hothead
A screamer, you’re fiery to the point of making people uncomfortable. You probably have a bulgy forehead vein, but at least you don’t beat around the bush.
Mostly B’s: The Humanitarian
You’ve read some self-help books but they’re not necessarily working. Also tbh you could use the insurance payout because that money mantra/manifestation shit was a total sham.
Mostly C’s: The Elitist
Extensive brand knowledge, expensive car, horrible driver because the nanny taught you and she was 17. Always comes in late with Starbucks, and makes that analogy about not putting a bumper sticker on a Bentley but secretly has a tramp stamp.
Mostly D’s: The Horny Motherhecker
Probably a displaced New Yorker who has never actually read an issue of the New Yorker. Sexually frustrated, loud, and annoying as hell, honestly everyone hates you (jk ily but pls stop).
Comment below what type of Road Rager you are — if you’re brave enough to expose yourself like that. And if somehow you don’t experience rage on the road, I ask you: how? Please share your wisdom and give me the strength to drive without cursing under my breath.
Know someone who needs to get their road rage under control? Call them out by sending them this quiz! They’ll love that.
Thank you as always for reading!
Send soup,
Ariana