#69: The World is Your Oyster and These 5 Other Mollusks

HUMOR

You never know when a pesky grain of sand that gets lodged within your internal organs will develop into a gorgeous pearl for a higher being to harvest after hunting you for sport. When the world is your oyster, an annoying thing can turn into a good thing that becomes a thing that kills you. I think the moral of the story is to stop complaining about sand? But what about when the world is your other mollusk? What then? I’ll tell you.

1. When the World is Your Cuttlefish — Life is better when you see the shell half full, or in the case of the cuttlefish, the internal cuttlebone half full of cuttlefish meat.

2. When the World is Your Giant Squid — Being the second-largest mollusk makes you the first-largest loser. But no matter your size, when life makes you ink, suck it up and toss it in a risotto.

3. When the World is Your Garden Snail — Some may call you an agricultural pest. Others may claim you’re a fancy French delicacy. Remember, no matter what they say, they all want you dead.

4. When the World is Your Clam — Remind everyone you’re the smoother, prettier-shelled cousin of the oyster and you can make pearls too, thank you very much. Except you’re bad at making pearls, so make sure they don’t ask you to prove it. If they do, use that vice-grip clamp.

5. When the World is Your Chambered Nautilus — Know that your days are numbered. Sure, you’re one of the hottest mollusks, but that sexy spiral and intricately-chambered shell house can’t aren’t enough to keep you off the Endangered Species list.

The world may be a series of invertebrate animals with soft unsegmented bodies often enclosed in calcareous shells, but you’re all pearls to me.