#68: Congress to Confirm Existence of Aliens by Adding Them on BeReal

SATIRE

On Wednesday, Congress held a hearing to discuss unidentified anomalous phenomena, otherwise known as UAPs or UFOs. In a rare show of unity, both sides of the aisle were interested in discovering whether the military had misappropriated funds to shield UAP retrieval operations from Congressional oversight. This proves that an alien invasion is the only way to truly reunite the United States of America.

A whistleblower who was formerly a military intelligence officer told Congress that executive branch agencies have withheld information on UAPs for years. He alleged that “nonhuman biologics” are among the withheld evidence, suggesting that JoeyB is currently in possession of alien tits and ass and won’t even give us a looksee.

Several video recordings of these UAPs have been released and were referenced throughout the testimony. Unfortunately, the quality of these videos is akin to something recorded on a 2001 Nokia 7650 flip phone. With the abysmal quality, experts determined there’s no conceivable possibility the aliens have a shot at going viral — even on Reels.

The poor video quality poses an obvious issue in the Congressional pursuit to prove the existence of aliens. Social media is the only way for intelligent beings on Earth to cement that they are, in fact, real and relevant to society. Influencers do it. Our cutest dogs do it. Even the orcas have a Twitter account. If you don’t have a digital footprint on Earth, do you even exist?

After hearing whistleblowers’ cries that the government’s lack of transparency is an issue of national security, talks immediately shifted to swift and bureaucracy-free problem solving, a trademark of Congress. As one whistleblower stated, “The American public deserves to know what is happening in our skies. The best way to inform them is via socials.”

American Navy pilots have agreed to deliver smartphones to the UAPs upon sighting. There was some debate as to whether the aliens would prefer the user-friendly interface of an iPhone or feel more at home with a Galaxy.

A bipartisan group of senators ultimately decided to deliver one of each smartphone, both equipped with BeReal downloaded and installed. There were concerns about offering different types of social media to alien lifeforms. For example, in offering Facebook the committee would all but guarantee that only the nation’s mothers would see the alien posts and would likely be discounted as falling for another phishing scheme. A significant portion of the committee had qualms with Twitter citing Elon as the last human the public would like to make the first impression for humanity. Instagram was in contention but nixed due to its highlight reel vibes and lack of accurate representation of users’ lives. TikTok was a front runner among Gen Z (that one guy Max who represents all of Gen Z in Congress), but the China of it all paired with the possibility that anatomically the alien species may be ill-equipped to throw it back and go viral halted discussion of the clock app.

That left one obvious social media channel, BeReal. Finally, we’ll have a banal and inconsistent record of the routine of alien life and their immediate surroundings at random times during the day. If the executive branch wants the American people to believe that aliens BeFake, Congress will put them to the test.

Thoughts on the UAP hearing? Do you believe in aliens? Do you think the American public should know if they’re zipping around our airways? Meet me in the comments!

ily bye,

Ariana