#67: Sweltering Girl Summer Starter Pack

HUMOR

The temp in LA is steadily climbing, and I don’t have air conditioning. Pray for me.

As I sweat it out working from home, I thought I ought to send you the Sweltering Girl Summer Starter Pack so you know what to expect when hot girls get hot.

If you experience any of the following, congratulations! You’re one of us. We’re so hot it’s making everyone uncomfortable. Sweltering girls unite!

Blossoming Sweat Stains

I’m talking pits, boobs, and crack. It’s visible and potentially fragrant.

Toilet Thighs

Yeah, we can see the imprint of the seat on the back of your thighs. Those shorts aren’t remotely covering it. Got some hot girl tummy troubles or was it a sit and scroll?

Sunglasses Tan

The shape of those designer dupes you bought on Amazon (traitor) is semi-permanently etched into your melanin. It’s a self-fulfilling curse because now if you take them off you’ll look like a noob so they gotta stay on. The tan’s power grows.

Acne-Inducing “Glow”

Your salty, sun-slapped face is covered in straight-up beads of perspiration that you’re trying to pass off as a totally intentional dewy glow.

Stubble Trouble

Unless you’re one of those cooler feminists who gave up shaving altogether, your entire body has a 5 o’clock shadow. Who has time to keep up with an Everything Shower shave?

Gradient Tan Lines

They’re not sexy and crisp like the Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover. They each represent a layer of sun exposure ranging from that skimpy bikini you wore once to the comfier full coverage one you wear more often to the crop top line to the is-this-shirt-cropped-or-just-too-small cutoff right above your waistband. Throw in a few different necklines and an inevitable farmer’s tan and you’re covered in sunny stripes.

Unquenchable Thirst

And deeply yellow piss. No matter how much water or electrolyte mix you drink.

Street Feet

Sweltering girls usually pair this with a strict foot washing habit. Street feet occur when you walk around town all day in sandals and the mucky grime of the street collects on your feet like soot. When you get home, you immediately sit on the toilet (open or closed — your choice but multitaskers beware of toilet thighs) and stick your feet under the tub faucet to scrub off the muck with a rag.

Itchy Crack

You’re either wearing a thong that’s flossing your cheeks and soaking up all that booty juice or a less invasive panty that’s sealing up the swamp ass practically begging for it to fester. I’ll tell you right now. Sweltering girls scratch that itch. And we wash our hands after the covert sniff.

The Desire to Cold Plunge

But absolutely none of the follow-through.

Irrational Irritability

Sweltering Girl Summer is often accompanied by a do-not-fucking-touch-me attitude directed towards even your closest loved ones. Think, It’s hot. Get off of me, vibes.

Now you have all you need to continue through this Sweltering Girl Summer. You go girl. Swelter it up! Global warming is only making us hotter. I mean physically, like temperature-wise.

Did I miss anything? What defines your Sweltering Girl Summer? Comment below for the love of god I need the engagement pleeeeease! Someone add disgraceful begging to the starter pack.

Stay cool out there! 😎

ily bye,

Ariana