#66: Hollywood Takes Big Bad Wolf Approach to Strike Negotiations

SATIRE

After more than 70 days on strike, the WGA will be joined by SAG-AFTRA on the picket lines. That means all Hollywood’s writers and actors will be fighting against the studios for a fair contract. The AMPTP (Alliance of Motion Pictures and Television Producers, AKA the studios) doesn’t appear phased. Several reps anonymously told Deadline they simply plan to huff and puff and blow the artists’ houses down so they’ll come to their senses before the harsh LA winter.

The huffing and puffing is set to begin in late October, with one executive explaining, “the endgame is to allow things to drag on until union members start losing their apartments and losing their homes.” (I wish that quote was part of the satire, but it’s real!)

However, the AMPTP is not an entirely united front. Some execs would have preferred to go the Blunderbore route, claiming the Big Bad Wolf was little played out. The studios’ Blunderbore-heads thought it would be more effective to grind the union members’ bones to make their bread. This was confirmed by another anonymous exec who confessed the studios are hoping to “grind down” the unions, presumably to dust. Unfortunately, the “fee-fi-fo-fum” slogan is IP owned by one of the peasant writers, and that wasn’t the beanstalk the studios were willing to die on.

Other villains workshopped for the AMPTP’s strike theme included vampires, as one exec said they’re hoping to “bleed out” the unions. But not in a sexy Cullen way. In an annoying Dracula way. The refrain, “cruel but necessary evil,” was tossed around enough they contemplated going the Mother Gothel route. Lord knows Tangled’s “Mother Knows Best” would be a killer theme song, and Disney owns the rights. Sadly there were concerns about a woman being the face of their evil campaign. What if she got her period and some nurturing instinct kicked in reminding her she has a heart? (A writer would’ve pointed out that without Rapunzel’s magic hair that coochie has got to be dry as a bone, but apparently they ~DoN’t nEeD WriTErs~ so screw ‘em.) Of course, they also considered the Monopoly man for obvious reasons.

In the end, the Big Bad Wolf was the only villain who aligned with their vision to render writers and actors homeless, destitute, and desperate enough to comply with their ridiculous, greed-driven demands. Which may or may not include eating them alive. Mmm, union bacon. 🥓

Corporate greed sucks. See you on the picket line!

ily bye,

Ariana