#62: A Comprehensive Guide to Surviving SoCal June Gloom

SATIRE

If you’re like me and the 18% of Respectful Smartass readers residing in California, you may be experiencing June gloom. While our Instagram feeds are filled with sunny beach photoshoots and European vacations, the sky outside our windows is gray and bleak.

It’s my first June in LA and subsequently my first gloom. This is not the sunny SoCal I was promised! But never fear. In the 15 days I’ve lived this gloomy June, I’ve become an expert in steering away from any doom caused by the gloom.

In this COMPREHENSIVE guide (don’t you just love when the internet knows everything and then screams at you that this is actually everything so don’t even bother looking elsewhere for anything else because this is comprehensive, okay?), I’ll share my five simple steps to grinning through the gloom.

1. Dopamine dress your dump truck.

This has the word dopamine in it which sounds sciencey and therefore makes it fact. Dopamine dressing is essentially dressing for joy, but all the photos on the internet show women in bright, nearly highlighter-colored clothing, so dress for those women’s joy.

Even if you’re like, ew no, that’s ugly and also everyone will be staring at me if I wear that, then you’re on the right track! Think bright! Bold! Different than anything you’d actually pick out and therefore completely unauthentic to you and your joy but still fitting the brief based on the narrow definition I just provided!

I’ll wait while you go shopping for those dopeys for your dumpy. Remember, consumerism is always the answer under capitalism! And don’t worry about getting a shirt. We’ll cover that in #2.

2. Wear the wrong top.

Dressing for June gloom is impossible, and you’re absolutely going to do it wrong. So I recommend doing it wrong on purpose so at least you can be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ instead of thinking aw shucks, I really tried my best! Try your worst so you know what to expect.

I recommend wearing a long-sleeve thermal top intended to be worn as long underwear in the snow. It’s wrong on so many levels, there’s no way it could be right! It’s not supposed to be worn as the outermost layer. Too bad! It’s made specifically for winter. Oopsie! It’s a nonsensical choice for June. I know!

3. Take your sunnies for a spin indoors.

Sure, there’s no use in wearing them outside, but what about the Great Indoors? Crank up those incandescent bulbs and protect your retinas! You thought blue light blockers were good for working on your computer? Wait til you try full-on shades.

4. Crank up the heat.

While you’re at it, turn your heat back on. June is basically summer, and with all this gloom it sure doesn’t feel like it. Twist your thermostat up to a sweltering 87 degrees and sweat it out summer-style in your apartment. That randomly high electric bill is July You’s problem. And by then it’ll be real summer, so she won’t even care!

5. Go the opposite route.

If you’re thinking, Ariana, you’re crazy for that one, you crazy kid!, I hear you. Recovering from June gloom may not put you in the summer spirit at all, and that’s okay. Instead, lean into the gloom with some autumn energy.

The best way to do this is to pile up a bunch of your clothes (clean, dirty, with the tags still on — who cares!), preferably with a rake, on your bedroom floor. Turn on Halloweentown II: Kalabar's Revenge, and jump in the pile as if your apparel is actually fallen leaves! Your downstairs neighbors will love this. Plus, the gloomy foggy haze is pretty fall-y, no?

There you have it, your comprehensive guide to surviving June gloom. If you’re thinking what about meditating or taking a walk or enjoying the cool breeze? Those might help my June gloom, no they won’t. This guide is comprehensive, so actually everything you could ever need to know is in the text above. If you think otherwise, grab a dictionary, and look it up.

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• This has nothing to do with anything (and I fact-checked none of it), but I really liked this video about crystals. Maybe I’m going to be a crystal bitch for real now?

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Hope your June is free of gloom, at least internally!

ily bye,

Ariana