#61: A People Pleaser's Guide to Being Left Alone in Public
HUMOR
As a Midwestern transplant living in the big city, I know a thing or two about accidentally welcoming unwelcome contact with strangers. Add being a young woman into the mix and I’m basically the perfect prey. During my time in DC and LA, I’ve developed a foolproof method to keep weirdos away from me that works 23% of the time. Today, I’m sharing it with you. Follow these five simple steps and weirdos may approach you less.
1. Soft smile only.
As you’re walking down the block or through the park, resist the urge to say, “Hello!” or “Good morning!” to passersby. Yes, they are people just like you living through this marvelous and wacky human experience and it might be nice to acknowledge your shared humanity. Don’t. Even if the recipient of your pleasantry is cool with it, your breaking of the stranger barrier will send up a supersonic beacon, and the weirdos will come. If you must treat all people like people instead of mere props, soft smile only. No teeth! Teeth intensify the beacon and thus the weirdo flock.
2. Leave every question unanswered.
These weirdos, they’re professional weirdos. Masters of manipulation. Purveyors of persuasion. They know what they’re doing, and they do it well. If someone asks you for directions or the time or if it’s a lovely day out, isn’t it, resist the urge to answer. Remember number one. Soft smile and be on your merry way. Do not engage.
This one is tricky, I know. Especially when it is a lovely day out because isn’t it made more lovely by sharing that sentiment with a kindred spirit? No. Next thing you know the guy who asked if you thought it was a lovely day is demanding you tell him who you voted for in the 2016 election and assuring you up and down that he doesn’t care either way but you have to tell him and he’s really not taking the hint that you don’t want to talk about it so you finally say Hillary and he gets ridiculously pissed and goes on a tirade about how feminism is tyranny and all young women should refer to men older than them as Mr. Whoever and never their first name as a sign of respect, don’t you think? And, of course, you absolutely do not think. But this strange, uncomfortable interaction is all based on the fact that you agreed with this weird man when he asked you what you thought was an innocent leading question.
Questions are traps. Even when it is a beautiful day out.
3. Shriek like a banshee.
Sometimes you’ll be able to feel a weirdo approaching. Their eye contact will linger or they’ll literally start walking up to you. Best to nip those interactions in the bud. Shriek, preferably like a banshee, at the top of your lungs. If it feels awkward to shriek while walking to your destination, take a beat. Stand perfectly still; maintain eye contact with the approaching weirdo, and begin your shriek. Some will feel the urge the flail their arms during the shriek. This is encouraged but not necessary.
4. Roll yourself into a ball and bowl the weirdos like pins.
When a sonic attack isn’t enough, you may have to take a physical approach. I call this one the Roly-Poly-Bowly Method. All you have to do is get down on the ground, squeeze your body into the tightest ball you can muster, and roll yourself toward the impending weirdos. When you get really good at this one, you’ll be able to knock them down!
This technique is great for when you’re approached by a gaggle of weirdos. It can be difficult to naturally exit a group approach, but you can’t bowl strikes without ten pins! (The Roly-Poly-Bowly Method also works for groups smaller than ten. If you knock the entire group of less than ten down, you can consider that a spare, but not a strike. Sorry, those are the rules.)
5. Reject this entire premise and create a societal shift away from Western individualism that instills far-reaching community values and completely eliminates bigotry and oppressive power dynamics so we can ensure a peaceful and egalitarian society in which talking to strangers isn’t a fear-inducing or potentially dangerous act but an expression of love and shared humanity that is safe for all people.
This one feels self-explanatory.
Can you tell I had a less-than-stellar 33min “convo” with some man who interrupted my writing today in the park? My therapist says it’s not me, it’s them, but I can’t help but wonder why these weirdos flock to me. They can smell the people pleaser, I guess. My own fault for smiling and nodding through his insane diatribe! So glad I could be a literally captive audience while he listened to the sound of his own voice. Thanks, parents, for making me such a damn good active listener.
If I saw you at the park, I would totally smile with teeth.
ily bye,
Ariana