#58: 7 Things to Think While You Hike Through the Most Beautiful Forest You've Ever Seen Instead of Being Present and Taking It All In

SATIRE

You can take a neurotic girl on an outdoorsy vacation, but the outdoorsy vacation won’t take the neurosis out of the girl. Here are some things I think about when wow this is beautiful just won’t cut it.

1. Did we leave the oven on? I feel like there would have been a light or something to show it was still on, but you never know with someone else’s oven. I guess we’ll find out if we come back to the cabin burnt down. Except that’s not funny because California fires are no joke. Fires in any state aren’t a joke, Ariana. Right. Well, I’m pretty sure we turned it off.

2. Was there an undercurrent of rage in that last message from my boss or did she just use a different ratio of exclamation points to periods? Would I even be asking that if she were a man? Even though she ended the message with, “Have fun on your trip! Enjoy the rest.” I should probably reply as soon as we get back so she doesn’t hate me.

3. Are these rough, calloused patches on the knobby edges of my feet considered bunions? I never realized I can feel them in my shoes. Why have bunions been villainized in the media? #bunionsarebeautiful If these even are bunions. I have no idea what bunions are.

4. If Adam fell down this steep cliffside and horribly broke both of his legs, would I be able to drag him back to safety? I think so…right? I’d probably get a surge of that mother-lifting-car strength except it would be woman-dragging-boyfriend strength. It would take so long though. And there’s snow everywhere. Can you get frostbite from being dragged miles through the snow even if the air is 75 degrees?

5. What was that? *looks over shoulder* What are you supposed to do if you encounter a mountain lion again? Throw rocks? *looks over shoulder again* There could be one stalking us right now. We’re the only ones out here. I haven’t seen another person for miles. Wait! Is that someone? *squints into distance* That’s a rock.

6. Okay, when we get back I need to schedule the upcoming posts and sponsorship links. Make a calendar for the blog edits. Plan time to record the social content. Update our families on the travel plans. And I need to clean the apartment and snack shop for writing group. Plus submit pages. Oh, and schedule mics to rehearse for the June show. And I have library books to pick up and others to return. There was something else…

7. Wow, it really sucks that I can’t turn my brain off out here. It seems unnatural, honestly. I need a new therapist. If any of them in California accepted freaking insurance! Ugh. Good thing I only have insurance for two more months anyway hahaha! Maybe I should focus on my breath. In…out…in — Jesus Christ! Immediately inhaled a bug. Typical. At least I can write about this for the newsletter. We should really do stuff like this more often.

No links this week because I was busy hiking and hugging trees and trying to drag myself out of the above mindset so I could enjoy this one precious beautiful Earth! Hope you can get outside this weekend.

ily bye,

Ariana