#54: Earth Pissed Celebration Only Lasts One Day After All She’s Done for You
SATIRE
In recent years, the U.S. has made great strides in placing month-long bandaids over the mouths of long-downtrodden communities so they will shut up about being oppressed for at least 28 days. Pride Month, Black History Month, National Novel Writing Month. (American novelists need your support more than anyone.) Even Breast Cancer gets a month-long celebration, and we don’t even like her.
Earth, however, only gets one day. Earth Day has been celebrated since the 1970s. It was intended to “put America back on track” in terms of growing environmentalism, and it was regarded as a smashing success. Which begs the question, how does America define “smashing success”? And when were we ever environmentally “on track”?
A source close to Earth challenged, “So, what? Banks can pretend to be bisexual for all of June, but businesses don’t have to change their profile pics to a swirly blue and green marble for all of April? It’s stupid. Banks don’t even have sexualities, but they do literally exist on Earth.”
When asked for comment, Earth declined, mumbling something about calling her friend Asty to ‘pull a mass extinction event’ on these ‘human turds’. We’ve reached out to Asty Asteroid for comment, but her people told us to piss off.
Editors note: Apparently April is Earth Month, but nobody knows that or celebrates it. Oopsie!
Get smarter with Refind. They’ll send you 5 articles every day to make you smarter, tailored to your interests. Refind is loved by 200,000+ curious minds. (Including me!) Subscribe for free!
Looking for a book that will confirm your climate fears but in a cool, good-read kind of way? Check out Something New Under the Sun by Alexandra Kleeman. It’s a satire about the dark side of Hollywood wrapped in the scorching blanket of environmental collapse. It’s giving The Lorax all grown up.
Happy Earth Day! (It’s tomorrow, since I know you don’t have it memorized.) Hug a tree. Recycle a can. Repent for human atrocity!
ily bye,
Ariana