#5: A Case for Adult Acne
SATIRE
Hey Human,
Did you do your skincare today? I did. Although I’ve spent countless hours researching treatments and hundreds of dollars on products, sometimes I still get pizza face. And that’s fine with me. It’s mostly fine because I see no end in sight and clearly have no control over what my face skin does because I’ve already exhausted most options, but that’s not the point. The point is: adult acne havers are actually better and greater and cooler than non-acne havers. I’ll prove it. Below is a case for adult acne, in all its inflamed glory.
1. Quitters Never Prosper
Sure, most people get a pimple or two during adolescence when our hormones go wild and we pick at ourselves incessantly. But who among us has the strength to carry on? To take those puss-filled pores out of middle school and into their adult lives? Few possess the loyalty and resilience to endure years of looking like a 12-year-old while sitting in a corporate boardroom. Acne is a virtue. Here’s to those of us sticking it out. Screw the quitters.
2. Higher Horses
For some reason, people with conventionally “good” skin love to tell me that people with acne are dirty, gross, don’t take care of themselves, or wear too much cheap makeup. Just wash your face with water! they say. Those sweet sweet stupid idiots.
First, rude. I wouldn’t go up to you and say bald people are sooooo gross maybe if you had brushed your hair and conditioned regularly it wouldn’t have fallen out! You must’ve been using cheap shampoo. Tsk tsk shame shame you’re bald and you’re to blame!
If you’re an acne haver who’s heard these comments from someone blessed with good skin genes, settle in on your high horse, babe. You’re way too polite to make comments like that and way too smart to think anyone who doesn’t fit the beauty standard just doesn’t try hard enough. Truly psycho people think that! But hey, flawless ignorant skin is bliss! Go gallop around your moral and intellectual high ground and feel sorry for whoever just made a fool of themselves.
3. Geothermal Prowess
There are 1,350 potentially active volcanoes on Earth. Only 500 of them have erupted in historical time. Really, only 500? My face was more explosive during my 2013 Cystic Age alone. I’m talking ruptures, geysers, lava flows — the works. I don’t wanna knock on Mother Earth, but you can’t touch this magma. Here in the adult acne community, we’ve got craters for days.
4. A Topographer’s Dream
Speaking of craters, acne is the spice of the facial terrain. Would you rather traverse a landscape filled with hills, valleys, craters, and gullies, or putz around on some silky smooth, flat ground? BORING. Obviously, as explorers and adventurers, we want the challenge and allure of unique lands. Smooth surfaces are for parking lots. Rocky, unstable terrain is for face flesh. Visit the Grand Canyon of my T-Zone. Or the Himalayas of my jawline. The Visitor’s Center is on the third blackhead from the left above my right nostril.
In conclusion, if you don’t have adult acne, I’m sorry for your loss. Enjoy your boring small pores and filter-free selfies. I’ll be here, being told how brave and courageous I am for leaving the house without makeup and with several distinct whiteheads. Adult acne is not for the faint of heart. It’s for the bold of heart. Or the not-passing-out of heart. (What’s the opposite of faint?) We win. You lose. Because I said so. End of discussion.
As always, please share this post with anyone you think may enjoy it. Acne havers unite!
What do YOU want to see in these emails? Please let me know. Maybe we could do an open letter section or a snarky advice column? Comment below or respond to this email with any and all ideas! Thank you for reading. ❤️🍕
zitty & pretty,
Ariana