#41: How to Be the Host with the Most (Neurosis)
SATIRE
So you want to host a friend for the weekend but you’re an anxious mess? Never fear. Neurotic girlies can host too! Follow these steps, and if you’re lucky, your guests will enjoy themselves in a cute Stockholm syndrome way.
1. Invite everyone you’ve ever known.
Tell everyone you know or meet or see from afar they’re welcome to visit your new place. Do this before you’ve even finished unpacking. When anyone expresses the slightest interest in you or where you live, insist they come to stay with you as soon as possible. If they start to decline or waver in their interest, insist harder. They must come! You won’t take no for an answer!
2. Select your first victim guest.
In order to host, you must have hostees. Hostages, if you will. The first one should be someone you’re close to, like a sister or best friend. Ideally, this is someone with whom your relationship cannot be destroyed. We will proceed to test the limits of this so-called indestructible relationship in the following steps. You gotta have stakes, people. The best hosts have everything to lose.
3. Prep only at the last minute.
Deep clean your entire apartment in the 24 hours before your guest arrives. You should save all guest-prepping chores for the last minute so you’re exhausted and burning with resentment by the time your guest arrives. Instead of eagerly anticipating their arrival, exhaust yourself scrubbing, dubbing, and daydreaming about the burst of rage you’ll feel if they don’t comment on how truly sparkling your apartment is.
4. Build an itinerary with insecurity.
Repeatedly ask your guest what they’d like to do. Plan an elaborate itinerary. Question every activity you plan. Ask yourself if each event is worth it. Ask your guest if they think each activity seems fun enough. If they say yes, question whether they really mean it.
5. Get hypervigilant, baby!
Embark on your first activity. Instead of embracing whatever you’ve chosen and staying present with your loved one, spend the entire time studying their face. Did their expression just flicker? Was that an awkward reaction or uncomfortable mannerism? You’ll need to watch for all these things to determine whether or not they’re actually having fun, and by extension, whether or not they love you at all.
6. Repeat step 5 again and again.
With every new activity, worry about whether or not your guest is having fun. It may help to repeatedly ask, “Are you having fun? Do you like this? Are you sure? We could do something else instead?” If they try to convince you they are, in fact, having a good time with you on the trip they’ve spent their hard-earned time and money on, don’t believe them. It may help to gaslight them into believing they’re actually having a very bad time.
7. Freak out about every minor inconvenience.
Your entire relationship is riding on this visit. Regardless of how solid your connection was before, this trip could break you. If everything doesn’t go perfectly, your guest will probably hate you and never speak to you again. Of course, the best way to achieve perfection is to flip out at every minor inconvenience and change in schedule. Be really inflexible, whiny even, and demand perfection. Accept nothing less. Your guest will love you for it.
8. Remember to have fun!
Go forth, budding hostess with the mostest! You definitely have the mostest of something and it’s probably anxiety.
On a completely unrelated note, my sister came to visit us this week. She had the time of her life. Don’t let her convince you otherwise.
Come visit! We have a really comfy couch! I’ll be so chill about it!
Let’s plan soon,
Ariana