#40: 7 Californian Wonders That Will Soothe Your Fear of Never Making It

SATIRE

Many a small-time Indiana girl has packed her bags and headed west to become a star. California girls, they’re undeniable. Fine, fresh, fierce. They’ve got it on lock. Hoosier girls have corn and soybeans, but they don’t generally have it on lock.

So the wannabe starlets flock to the coast in an attempt to make it big. Once they’re here in the sand and surf and dry desert heat, the California dream morphs into a nightmare. Your teeth fall out of your head on Rodeo Drive. You realize at the top of the Santa Monica Pier Ferris Wheel that you’re butt-ass naked. Nobody cares your high school produced that shitty play you wrote. The horror!

The road to stardom is a dead end for most and a night terror for all. But California can save you from your 497th rejection letter and 231st unanswered self-tape with one simple reminder: We’re all fucked. And because you moved here for your silly little dream, you’ll be among the first to go. Here are 7 Californian wonders that will soothe your fear of never making it, because they’ll ensure there’s no future for you to make it in.

1. Forest Fires

You wanna be 🔥🔥🔥 onscreen, red hot on the stage, a total firecracker on set. But the fires raging in the hills will eventually claim us all, and then you’ll just be an off-book pile of ash.

2. Earthquakes

Your acting coach (let’s be real — the TikToker you follow with one IMDb credit) told you to make big, bold choices in your auditions and really shake things up. But you’ll never shake as hard as the San Andreas Fault. That’s not your fault, sweetie. She just had a better look for the role. ( Don’t tell anyone I said this, but rumor has it she totally made the director’s bed rock.)

3. Severe Drought

We get it. You’re thirsty for your big break. But you’re also just plain thirsty. No matter how much water you drink, you will be dehydrated here. It’s going to make you age like paper mache and then no one will want to hire you anyway, that is if we can even survive that long with this water shortage.

4. Atmospheric Rivers

When there isn’t a shortage, the surplus wreaks havoc. You want to make it rain dollar dollar bills, y’all. Meanwhile, the atmospheric river off the coast just dumped several Mississippi Rivers worth of fresh water onto NorCal and now the state is a giant flooded, dangerous Slip’N’Slide. It sounds fun, but it’s bad.

5. The Ever-Looming Threat of Falling Into the Sea

Maybe this one isn’t such a bad thing. Hollywood could be the new Atlantis. Kate Winslet can teach us all how to hold our breath. It’d be way easier to cast the next water-themed Avatar.

6. Landslides

Time makes you bolder. Children get older. And landslides will bring down the Pacific Coast Highway. Eventually. The point is, it’s too late for you to become a child star. Stop practicing the Disney Channel ears with your hairbrush magic wand.

7. The 405

If the burning planet doesn’t take us all as we careen into the rising seas, the 405 will getcha. Imagine a parking lot in which you can’t park. Yahoos cosplaying Grand Theft Auto on real-life roads. Your last scrap of patience disintegrating as that bitch Siri tells you a second too late that you were supposed to be in the far right lane and you miss your exit completely, cementing that you’ll be late for the big audition you’ve been waiting for your whole life. Just face it, honey. If it wasn’t decreed by the Fates of the 405, it ain’t gonna happen.

There’s no need to wallow in the unfairness of the industry and how unlikely it is you’ll ever make it. Climate change will ensure none of us do.

---

Classifieds

The World as We See It ... See for yourself at https://www.thetowncrier.co

---

I hope you chase your dreams even if we all burn up before you get to achieve them. Break a leg!

Ariana