#34: The Big Dream Broke Bitch Gift Guide

HUMOR

The holidays are right around the corner, as evidenced by the barrage of blowout sale emails I’ve opened while managing blowouts of my own from the throne. Sales or snails, this is an expensive time of year, especially if you have, by chance, moved across the country for a Big Dream and then immediately purchased several continent-crossing holiday flights.

The thing about Big Dreams is that Big Dreamers spend a lot of time Dreaming about what it will be like once their Dream is achieved. The spoils and specialness, the fame and fortune, the accolades and access. So much of the media we consume is glittering with the afterglow of success when in reality, the path to success is a slog. We learn of the toil before the spoils from the Big Successes when they give Vanity Fair an exclusive or livestream from their mansions in the hills or weave it sentimentally in the pages of their New York Times Best-Selling tell-all memoir. But we rarely get the actual grit before the goods. And there are plenty of Big Dreamers who Toil as Big as they Dream but never hit the Big Success.

As you can tell by this hit-or-miss newsletter that I faithfully (albeit not always proudly) deliver each Friday, I am a Big Dreamer in my Big Toil Era. Luckily, I’ve got supporters out the wazoo (bless your souls), but a weekly newsletter does not riches make — at least not yet. This is the Big Before, and I think a lot of us live here.

That was a long-winded way of saying I’m strapped for cash but like in a cool starving artist way. If you can relate or you’d just generally like alternatives to America’s traditionally excessive spending this time of year, I’ve written you a gift guide. That’s right, we’re sticking it to AMERICA with this one. Suck it, my country of origin.

Here we go…

The Big Dream Broke Bitch Gift Guide

1. Reduce, Reuse, Regift

The planet is pissed, y’all. That’s why you should do your small and statistically inconsequential part by limiting your consumption and regifting this holiday season. Take gifts given to you that you don’t like and regift them to your mom with a weirdly sentimental explanation that makes her think you picked it out especially for her but you also don’t actually know her at all.

Alternatively, regift gifts you have already gifted. Piggyback on previous gifts you’ve given with a note explaining retroactively that the last gift was a twofer good for two holiday seasons. Better luck next year, loved ones!

If anyone makes a ruckus about your regifting this year, call them a climate denier and end the relationship for good. Bye, Earth-Hater! See you NOT later!

2. Cut Coupons

You’re never too old for a 1 Free Hug coupon, but if you want to elevate your steals and deals for more mature gifting, try these grown-up-friendly coupons, or come up with your own! I don’t know what your people like!

If you don’t have a printer or the means to arts-and-crafts your own cutesy coupons, you can also clip newspaper coupons for items your friends and family might like and then give them loose stacks of clippings as their gift.

3. Give the Gift of Respectful Smartass

If you’ve been reading this thinking, wow must suck to be a broke bitch I actually am very financially secure, cool, and hot and can pay real money to give people nice gifts, chances are you probably know and love a Big Dream Broke Bitch who is struggling this gifty season. Give them the gift of a paid subscription to the “‘Best newsletter of all time’ - Opera Winnifery.”

ur all gifts to me (in a totally non-objectifying or commodifying way) <3

Ariana