#31: Sure We Can Watch Your Show, If I Can Make it Hell for You*

SATIRE

With the first seasons of House of the Dragon and The Rings of Power drawing to a close, girlfriends everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief as their fantasy-loving boyfriends deep dive into YouTube explainer videos, slipping into hibernation before the next Marvel release. Whether your significant other loves fantasy or football (lord help the brave souls whose partners fuse the two), we can all relate to the feeling of watching something out of love for our pookie.**

But what if you could be so insufferable you didn’t have to watch their shows anymore? I introduce to you, the QAOP method. If you follow these four steps and your partner doesn’t break up with you or at least ban you from the TV room while their show is on, you should trap that person indefinitely. They really love you and you don’t deserve it. (Kidding! We all deserve love! But seriously, lock them down. I’m not kidding that much.)

Never compromise on anything ever again. I present, the QAOP method:

Question everything

This is the crown jewel of you know what, I think I’ll just watch it by myself. Really let them have it. If Alicent isn’t blonde, how come all her children are blonde? Are they insinuating hair color has a dominant gene on the father’s side? What year is this set? Did they know anything about genetics then? Do you think statistically none of Rhaenyra’s sons would have blonde hair? How come literally everyone else who has one Targaryen parent has the blonde hair?

What’s that? You’re watching this for the first time just like I am and don’t have the answers. Woooow. Sorry for thinking you’re bright and admiring the way you insightfully consume media. I thought maybe you were picking up on more than what was being put down, but I guess not. Excuse me for thinking so highly of you.

Don’t wait for the commercials to ask your questions, and don’t ask them to pause for these either. Pauses are a different power play we’ll get to later. Ask each question in a half-whisper so it seems like you’re trying to be considerate while simultaneously revealing you know exactly how inconsiderate you’re being.

Advocate for the devil

You have nothing at stake here. I mean, except for the delicate balance of a healthy relationship built on compromise and mutual respect. But in terms of the show, nothing at stake. These are characters you know but don’t love. Postulate out loud and at length about how each character could’ve made better/worse/funnier/cringier/compelling-er choices. After each suggested plot change, ask your partner, “what do you think of that, huh?”

Out-fan them

Oh, they wanted to make this show their thing? Well it’s our thing now, and by our, I mean my. Play them at their own game, and wipe the frickin floor with them. What? They haven’t heard that a negroni spagliato with prosecco in it is just a regular spagliato which means “mistake” and is a negroni with prosecco instead of gin? Embarrassing. Let me explain to you why the interview clip between Emma and Olivia is so culturally relevant (and sensual!) to begin with. I’ve written a five-paragraph essay. I’ll read it for you now. Allow me to begin.

Pause-a-palooza

It’s 2022, pause we can watch shows at our own pace, and if you’re pause roped into watching this, your pace is their pace. What’s pause mine is yours, babe! Wait, pause. I need to pee. Okay, I’m back. Wait, pause. I need snacks, hold on.

Next time your partner wants to watch something you don’t have a lick of interest in, remember to QAOP. It’s sure to earn you a reputation of being really fun to be around or at the very least it’ll earn you the remote to yourself because you’ll have no one to share it with. Happy hampering!

*Editors note: I almost titled this edition, “How to Handle BoyfriendTV.” Luckily, I gave the term a quick Google before hitting send. But hey, no judgement. All are welcome here.

**Personal note: This topic was Adam’s idea. Pray for him! I’m the worst best!

love you byyyyyyye,

Ariana