#29: Stalk Away Your Fear of Men

SATIRE

Sure, we live in a patriarchal society that guarantees men have power over women and the ability to objectify, sexualize, and dominate our bodies without repercussion, but have you tried getting over it?

One of the best ways to stop acting like a little girl baby is to participate in exposure therapy against your will. Here at It Could Happen to You, And It Will, we take #yesallwomen to a whole new level. If it’s going to happen to you anyway, you might as well schedule it through a service you trust. When you choose us, one of our Certified Creeps will be assigned to your case to ensure you receive the most realistic stalking possible.

If you’ve ever thought to yourself, how come Britney gets a stalker and I don’t? This service is for you. We believe in equal opportunity stalking for all women because men believe you deserve it.

Don’t worry. Our Creeps are highly trained to toe the line of legality when it comes to trespassing and harassment. They’ll do just enough to have you fear for your life without doing anything you can prove is “criminal.”

If your stupid dumb unfounded fear of men is more severe, it may require a more harrowing stalker experience to overcome. In those cases, we advise Creeps to commit criminal acts but never reveal enough of their identity to be charged. After all, this is about shattering your sense of safety and illusion of privacy, not theirs!

The girlbosses of It Could Happen to You, And It Will understand first-hand that not all women’s fears of men can be quelled by these packages. Some of us are real fraidy cats without hope in sight. If your fear of the audacity of men cannot be snuffed out by our Light Stalking or Medium Assault packages, we still got you, girl. For an added fee, we’ll have one of our Creeps straight-up murder you. Because you can’t lose sleep worrying about the patriarchy if you’re dead.

We’re here to bring you sweet womanly relief — one Creep at a time. Schedule your consultation today to lock in the low price of $29.99! Heck, we’ll give it to you for free if you promise to smile more. Show us those pearly whites! You’re so much prettier when you smile.

Personal Update: We bought a security camera. Fingers crossed my Creep stops creepin. I’m doing OK!

Promotional Update: Check out Left Angle to discover other newsletters you might like. Respectful Smartass is featured, so you know they’ve got the good stuff.

ily thanks for reading byyyyyye,

Ari