#25: A Newcomer's Guide to LA

HUMOR

Sep 16, 2022

Sup dude,

I’m like totally stoked to be posted up in the gnarly SoCal sun. Let’s shred on the 101.

I googled LA phrases to fit in. It’s totally working. Hang ten, brah! Cowabunga!

So far, LA has been lovely. Our furniture and car don’t arrive until next week. So we’ve been sleeping on an air mattress, sitting in cheap plastic patio chairs, and walking everywhere in this super car-centered city. So my back is feeling like really good. Like totally sick, brah.

Despite definitely not having back pain and struggling to adjust to the time difference, I’m feeling really good! I’m high on all the newness. Every corner I turn there’s something I’ve never seen before. The weather — THE WEATHER! — is beautiful. Duh. People have been nice and not fake so far. I will try to avoid that stereotype as long as possible. Wearing sweats is cool here! And we’ve already met some of our (very friendly) neighbors. Two of whom invited me to drink tea with them on the sidewalk. (I declined because my hands were full of very stinky trash. (I was taking the trash out, not just strolling with trash.))

The point is, things are good. I’m staving off the homesickness (and missingDCsickness), for now.

Here is my I-just-moved-to-LA moodboard.

Get ready for my life to look exactly like all of this. ^^^ It’s happening!

Here’s a photo of the first time I visited LA, with my national champion bff Dilys in 2019, for comparison. Look at baby Ariana looking off into her future! We love that manifestation, bestie. (I’m using ‘bestie’ sarcastically, and if you don’t get that, you don’t get ME. But I support and respect you if you use it sincerely, bestie. No hate.)

Because living in LA is now my entire personality, here’s what I’ve learned in my 6 days of living here.

A Newcomer’s Guide to LA

I am an expert on this topic.

1. The weather is beautifully confusing.

It will be hotter than you think in the midday sun, and it will be cooler than you think in the dusky evening. The shade is shading. There is no East Coast mug here. The air is so thin and devoid of moisture it feels hollow. (I know there are probably places with high altitude or whatever where the air actually feels hollow, but I’m not very well-traveled so just let me have this.) Be sure to layer. (Super novel concept that’s definitely not on every LA blog.)

2. Stop walking.

Even if you have legs, don’t use them. That’s not what this city is for. If you must walk, because your car isn’t going to be delivered for several more days because you are an absolutely genius planner, stay on red alert. If you’re not quadruple checking across the street — I’m talking head on a swivel to the left to the right to the left to the right to the left — you will be roadkill. If you make it three days without being clipped, hit, or flattened by a G-Wagon, I’ll give you $3.

3. You’ll learn what a G-Wagon looks like.

People here are rich rich. I’m not a car girl, but I know enough to recognize that half the cars on the road are worth more than some houses in Indianapolis. Get ready to be bitch slapped by people’s casual opulence. Also, all the food is $3 more expensive. I googled who the richest people in LA are, and the top result said CEOs and doctors. But how many doctors does one city need?! And why aren’t the doctors in other cities driving spaceship cars? Something fishy is going on with the wealthy people here, and I’ve already lost interest in figuring out what it is.

4. People are nice (I think, but I’m inherently too trusting; it’s a miracle I haven’t been murdered (lmao at me using a semi-colon in this heading).

I know. Everybody says people in LA are “fake,” and maybe some people are. I have admittedly seen a lot of botoxed humans already. But in terms of friendliness, I’ve been impressed. I stopped to let a car turn left during a break in traffic instead of continuing to walk, and the driver rolled down their window to tell me how thoughtful that was. (Spoiler: I am also nice. #brag) In DC, the driver would have driven up onto the sidewalk to hit me, cackling as they reversed back over my body. (I actually had someone almost hit me and bust out laughing once in DC. Not in like an oh my god I almost killed someone way, in a wow this is hilarious way.)

5. Not all trees are palms.

Like I said, I’m not very well-traveled, and I legitimately didn’t realize this. The tree outside our front window will lose its leaves for fall. So um yeah, LA kinda does have seasons.

6. Surf lessons are ~$85.

I haven’t taken a lesson yet. I just wanted there to be 6 things for 6 days.

Cross-Promo Corner

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That’s all for today! I’m typing this in a coffee shop I came to with the intention of paying in cash and getting coins back for the laundry room in our building. Turns out they’re a cashless coffee establishment. Damn futuristic caffeinator! So now I’m off to raid an arcade since my midwestern bank has zero LA locations. Cheers!

Your LA baby,

Ariana

P.S. Everyone wearing sunglasses inside this Philz Coffee is famous, right? It’s not that bright in here.