#24: How to Pack Up Your Entire Life in 72 Hours Because You Waited Until the Last Second Again, You Absolute Menace

SATIRE

Hey reader,

I’m cryingshakingthrowingup because we leave for LA on Sunday. I will miss DC! I will miss my friends! (I somehow managed to actually *make friends* as an adult, and now I just have to leave them? RUDE!) I will miss being so close to our baller government and political system (lol jk)! I will miss a lot of things, but not the HELL that is packingmovingchange. So I wrote a little diddy about it.

For legal reasons (and on the off chance that my therapist reads this), this is a joke.

Without further ado:

How to Pack Up Your Entire Life in 72 Hours Because You Waited Until the Last Second Again, You Absolute Menace

So you’re moving across the country like a little idiot, huh? Exciting! Sure, it would’ve made sense to start donating unwanted items to Goodwill and mapping out the nearest Plato’s Closet (it’s 47min away) weeks ago. You could’ve listed furniture on Facebook Marketplace with ample time to actually sell it. And sourced used boxes instead of paying the ridiculous FedEx upcharge (for boxes that are still USED #scam). But you decided to be brave. You marathoned Scrubs all weekend so you could fire into gear the week of your move like a boss.

A legend like you doesn’t even need advice. You’ve obviously totally got this. But on the off chance you’re like, what the hell, hit me! (with advice), I wrote you this guide.

1. Take out everything you own.

You know how it took you several weeks to organize everything and make the most of the storage situation in your current residence? It’s time to undo all of that. You may be thinking, shouldn’t I go one section at a time? Or at least one room at a time? No. It should look like ~a tornado flew around your room before you came~ but you should absolutely not excuse the mess it made.

Throw every article of clothing you own on the floor. Pile the contents of your desk onto your bed right before sleepy time. Stack all your kitchen shit on the counters. Cabinets be damned! Embrace the mess. Let it guide you as you descend into madness. This is the way.

2. Get sentimental.

You may be thinking it’s finally time to Marie Kondo your life. I hate to tell you this, but you’re thinking wrong. Every note/scrap/item/literalpieceoftrash has a story. Who are you to draw it to conclusion? So what if the tube sock with the hole your big toe always shoots through doesn’t spark joy right this instant? If I shaved my head every time my hair didn’t spark joy, I’d have a perpetually shaved head.

That pen that’s dried up was a gift from the hotel receptionist. Throwing it out would be akin to spatting in her face #ChisPineSpitGate. The instructions for the alarm clock you already know how to use? A cherished piece of memorabilia. The top your sister got you that you haven’t worn since 2015? Goes in the keep pile. The less you get rid of, the more stuff you’ll have! That is what life is all about!

3. Plan a heartfelt Goodbye Tour smack dab in the middle of your packing time.

Saying goodbye to your friends a week before you actually leave is totally cheating. You need tight hugs and teary send-offs right up until the buzzer. So be sure to block out large chunks of time with each person individually. Group goodbyes are for losers or people with larger party budgets. What’s that? The movers will be there in 45 minutes and your apartment is still in the tornado stage? At least you got one last vanilla latte at *your spot*!

4. Make to-do lists in your head, but don’t write them down.

The more you have going on upstairs, the better off you’ll be. Let the anxiety spiral fuel you. Do you really think writing down a list is going to prevent you from packing the silverware prematurely forcing you to eat the stir fry you planned for dinner with your hands? Probably not! And your hands are basically sporks so you have nothing to lose.

5. Underestimate everything.

The more delusional you can be throughout this process the better. Yes, I do think everything you own can be stacked nicely into five large boxes. Yes, I do think everyone will want to buy your lamp without an on-switch that was broken in your last move. Yes, I do think your plants will somehow survive 9+ days in a storage container. You just have to BELIEVE.

Packing is a breeze! Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

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Actual view of my apartment as I write this. Please pray for me.

That’s all for today, folks. Next time you hear from me, I will officially be a SoCal girl! Please tell me this isn’t a huge mistake in the comments below!!!!!

Peaceloveblessings,

Ariana