#22: How to Plan a Stress-Free Move
SATIRE
The apartment is always nicer in the other complex. Moving can be an exciting time, but it comes with its fair share of stress. That’s why we’ve broken down the five steps to planning a move so stress-free you’ll want to switch residences every month!
Step 1: Choose a far-off location.
The smoothest moves are the ones that take you the farthest out of your comfort zone. Ideally, you’ll want to travel at least 2,500 miles away from the home you know and love. Bonus points for having little to no experience in the new area and no friends or family in the destination to help you out.
Step 2: Book shady movers.
Add a little mystery and intrigue by booking movers who may or may not deliver your things. Last year, when Adam and I moved from Indianapolis to DC, we had the pleasure of working with a moving company that extorted cash from Adam, cut off all communication with us during the transit, was four weeks late for drop-off, and broke every lamp we owned! It was truly a delight. I can’t recommend them highly enough.
Step 3: Plan a super-chill apartment hunting trip.
It’s one-bedroom season! Adjust your cross-hairs to the Zillow rent section, and get ready for a bloodbath. I recommend saving at least 30 apartments to your list of options. Forget what they say about the paralysis of choice. When it comes to making big life decisions, more options are always better.
Schedule tours for as many homes as you can. Then look at your list. How many days do you think it would take to see all of these places comfortably? Now, subtract a day and a half from that number, book your flights, and decide you’re also going to try to work East coast time in the early mornings before nine consecutive hours of touring.
Step 4: Book a beautiful Airbnb with a dark secret.
When moving to a new city, it’s important to get a feel for what the area is like. Book an Airbnb in a neighborhood you’re considering living in, instead of a hotel that comes with the convenience of continental breakfast, 24-hour security, easy access to the residence, etc. You’re going to be a local soon, so you better start acting like it.
I recommend booking a home in the mix, with interesting accents like these funky tile floors…
…and this mannequin on the neighboring roof that comes alive in the night to murder guests and harvest their non-plastic flesh.
Step 5: Pack the night before.
Now that you may or may not have survived the apartment hunting trip thanks to that silly mannequin murderer and you may or may not have found a residence instead of getting so overwhelmed you cried on the “refinished hardwood floors” of one too many apartments that look way worse than the photos online, it’s time to pack up your entire life and get the hell out of dodge. I recommend budgeting about 45 minutes for this. It shouldn’t take much longer than that.
And that’s all it takes! This is an exciting new chapter that you’re absolutely definitely not going to regret when it gets hard, annoying, and expensive! I hope these tips help your transition go smoothly. Good luck with your move!
Cross-Promo Corner
If you’re looking for a pick-me-up, you gotta check out Punit Thakkar’s poetry newsletter Hello Universe. His poems feel like nursery rhymes for adults. They’ve got that feel-good, bedtime story quality with more grown-up themes (in a totally PG way). His poems My future and Friends feel particularly apt for me right now.
Here’s what Punit has to say about his newsletter:
"I started writing poetry as a way to capture the lost poems of my childhood that had a catchy meter, fun rhyming schemes, and were really memorable as a result.
And just like I can enjoy animated shows after growing up, I believe that catchy, rhyming, and memorable poetry can be fun and thought-provoking too!"
That’s all, folks.
I’m off to tour 19 more apartments and hopefully not get murdered by that mannequin. Wish us luck. Send up a prayer. Cast a spell. Whatever you can. We’ll need it.
Happy weekend!
Ariana