#2: What type of pooper are you?

QUIZ

I know, I know. It’s only the second issue and she’s already resorting to toilet humor? Listen, poop is the great equalizer. And frankly, toilet humor is funny. (Frankly is what I call my toots after I eat hot dogs!) Okay, that attempt at toilet humor was crap (hey-o!), but it can be funny. And I made a pretty big poop discovery this week that I wanted to share with you all.

Everybody poops, but do they all poop in the same weird, gross way you do? Probably not, so take this quiz to find your poople (poop people).

*Bonus points for reading this on the toilet!*

1. Are you a party pooper?

   In this case, a party pooper isn’t the person above claiming they’ve never chuckled at a turd joke. Here, party pooping is about where you feel comfortable taking a dump. Select the answer that most closely resembles your poop prowess. I can poop…

   A. Anywhere! The world is my toilet. I will poop during the birthday party you’re throwing in your 400 square foot studio apartment

   B. In a public bathroom, if necessary. Single stalls are preferred even with the risk of a line forming while I drop a stink bomb

   C. At home and nowhere else. Are you crazy? I will squeeze the remains of that Chipotle bowl back up into my small intestine if I have to

   D. Nowhere. I’m severely constipated. Does anybody have a Fiber One bar?

2. How do you clean up?

   A. Bidet all the way

   B. Wet wipes

   C. Charmin Ultra Soft

   D. One-ply I stole from the CVS bathroom

3. How do you experience poophoria?

   This is a real thing I did not make up. (This was my poop discovery.) Princeton gastroenterologist Dr. Anish Sheth coined the term to reference the “stool high” some people feel when passing a particularly large dump. Turns out, sometimes our poop is so big it tickles our vagus nerve, which can elicit strong physical reactions. How does your poophoria most often manifest?

   A. An orgasmic experience bordering on the spiritual (you lucky dog)

   B. Chills or goosebumps

   C. Sweats or hot flashes

   D. Idk I don’t have HBO Max, but that’s not how I remember high school at all

   

   4. How do you strip poop?

   Ever had a poop so intense you started to disrobe? If you’re just now learning that’s a thing, I envy your ability to use public restrooms with wide stall cracks.

   A. I don’t. I could poop in a ball gown or three-piece suit — no problem

   B. Sometimes I roll up my sleeves, I guess?

   C. Long-sleeve shirts gotta go. I once went three months only able to poop topless #steamy

   D. If I’m not fully nude, the Browns are not making it past the playoffs

   5. How do you use toilet tissue?

   A. Folded nicely

   B. Mummified (wrapped all the way around your fingers)

   C. Wadded up

   D. A single square and a prayer

   6. What noise are you most likely to make when getting the job done?

   A. Cheering

   B. A pleasant sigh

   C. Deep, jagged breaths

   D. Strained groans through clenched teeth

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Pooper Results

Mostly As: ProPooper

Congratulations! You’ve got GirlBossBowels. They know what they want and how to get it. The world is your toilet, and you will poop in it when, where, and how you please. Enjoy your orgasmic poophoria!

Mostly Bs: PoopyPrincess

You appreciate a good scroll and squat, and you’ve got the goods to make your time on the pot at least somewhat enjoyable. You aren’t too fussy about where you go, but you’ll be sparkling clean when you leave. That’s for darn sure.

Mostly Cs: BasicBoweler

Everybody poops, and you’re no exception. But there’s no reason to make a big deal about it. So what if you’re topless and sweaty on the bowl three times a week, clutching three squares of Charmin like your life depends on it? Use the breathing technique from any movie with a baby delivery and drop those kids off at the pool! hee-hee-hoo hee-hee-hoo

Mostly Ds: ConstiPooper

Did you resonate with Ali Wong’s latest special? Because I think you may need poop-related medical attention. (Read this next part to the tune of Missy Elliot’s “Work It.”) You’re backed up, bloated, and distended. Dednetsid dna, detaolb, pu dekcab er’uoy. I’m gonna pray for your small intestine. Please eat some leafy greens.

Comment below what type of pooper you are. Unite with your poople!

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In non-poop-related news, I’ll be at The Saloon tonight in DC with Kinda Live Comedy. Show starts at 8pm. Get your FREE tickets here!

Thanks so much for reading! If you know someone who poops, please consider passing along this newsletter to them.

Thinking of you on the loo,

Ariana