#17: How to Cope with a Kevin

SATIRE

Buckle up, folks.

I am back home again in Indiana for a friend’s wedding, and it’s got me thinking about this moment in the patriarchy. Internet culture isn’t always the best, but it has found a way to call out the privilege of some let-me-speak-to-your-manager-type white women. And I think it’s time we add some color to their subtly-sexist-smile-and-you’d-look-prettier male counterparts.

We’ve heard a lot about the Karens, but it’s the Kevins’ time to shine.

Disclaimer: This is satire. It is not based on anyone in particular. I specifically want to make it clear it’s not about my Uncle Kevin. It’s just a coincidence that Kevin is his name. The name Kevin is simply a good counterpart to Karen, okay? Love you, Uncle Kevin. For everyone else, this isn’t about you either. But I mean, if the toupee fits, wear it. And then for the love of god reevaluate how you treat women in the world. We’re so tired of this shit.

How to Cope with a Kevin

Kevins (the Karens of the XY community) abound in American life. We see them in Congress, The Supreme Court, and the principal’s office. They’re our bosses and neighbors. And they’ve got the power, privilege, and entitlement to prove it. But how do you deal with one in the wild?

Kevins can be difficult in any setting, but with these tips, you may escape their testosterone-fueled rage.

Remember, nobody is persecuted in today’s society like older cis straight white men with generational wealth. It’s in everyone’s best interest for you to cater how you move through the world to ensure the comfort and ease of Kevins everywhere.

Stock photo from Dreamstime.

1. Don’t be a woman, person of color, or member of the LGBTQ+ community. 

Kevins communicate best with people they respect, AKA other white men of the same wealth, status, and privilege who are slightly shorter with presumably smaller members. Also anyone from the Harlem Globetrotters because theatre isn’t gay if it’s on a court with balls. Oh, and definitely don’t have an accent or weird voice. They’re going to mock you, and it’s best you don’t give them much to work with. 

2. Don’t wear makeup. 

Kevins believe makeup is for insecure women, and they don’t sleep with women who know they’re insecure. They only sleep with women they can make insecure who aren’t already. Why does it matter if he wants to sleep with you since you’d never consider sleeping with him for any reason, anywhere, ever at all? Oh sweetheart, in his mind, it’s not up to you.

If you wear that full face, he’s going to tell you red lipstick is vampire-ish, false lashes look like batwings, and that he doesn’t sleep with women who aren’t au natural. He will say au natural in a French accent, so just save yourself and put down the primer. 

3. Forget everything you know. 

Kevins love to mansplain. But two can play the insufferable game. If a Kevin attempts to mansplain cryptocurrency, simply respond what’s currency? When he takes the bait and says, you know, like the American dollar. You reply, never heard of it. At this point he’ll either leave you alone (fat chance), try to act like he’s in on the game (he’s not, stay strong), or he’ll get mad (classic). Stay the course. What do you mean by “money”? An economy? That sounds fake. Go ahead and let him explain it all and pray he has the self-awareness not to try it on anyone else again. What do you mean by “pay for”? I thought your people just took.

4. Nod enthusiastically to everything he says, but make a silent pact with your chosen god that it’s Opposite Day.

When in the presence of a Kevin, sometimes the safest route is to smile and nod until they sniff out other prey. This can get dicey when you hear some of the foul shit that flies out of their mouths under the guise of being “opinionated.” But if you and your god are chilling with the Opposite Day concept, you won’t be held liable for any heinous opinions or remarks even as you nod along.

5. Don’t have a body.

Listen, Kevins do not believe in your bodily autonomy. They believe in your objectification, commodification, and sexualization, sure. But your bodily autonomy? No way. So honestly, it’s best to not have one in the first place. That way, they can’t police it.

My advice is to become a vaporous, amorphous floating mass. And bonus! They’ll never be able to squeeze behind you touching the small of your back again! Hooray!

If you do encounter a Kevin, remember the basics. Stop thinking, breathing, or existing in his vicinity. Drop all self-respect you may possess, and roll around on the floor crying until he tells you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Bonne chance!