#15: Say Cheese
Do you ever wake up and think yep, absolutely not my day. But then you get up and have the day anyway?
I hope you cannot relate! I hope every day is yours and you frolic through fields of wildflowers without violent fits of allergy sneezes. I hope you giddy with glee at least nine times per week. I hope you know how to use giddy as both an adjective and a verb and you reply to this email to tell me whether I’m using it correctly because it looks wrong? I hope you make the art you want to make and eat the foods you want to eat and love the people you want to love.
I’m getting sappy here. What’s new?
Today is not my day, and I’m writing anyway. I love this newsletter. It’s truly a joy making it, and I’m so honored you’re all following along. But sometimes I get nervous that posts aren’t good enough, or that I have to have great new ideas every week, or that I have to be funny all the time. And I’m just not.
I’m mostly cool with that. The past year for me has been about dismantling a lot of my overachievement and perfectionism and “oldest sister” complexes. I’ve been trying to rest and get clear on what I actually want for my life rather than what capitalism and society have sold me as success. I spent a lot of time playing (and often winning? brag) a game I’m not that interested in participating in. And sometimes there’s a big hollow space in my chest that’s like WTF ARE YOU DOING??? FILL ME!!!! FILL ME WITH ACCOLADES AND MONEY AND JOKES AND OTHER PEOPLE’S APPROVAL NOW NOW NOW!!!
My inner critic is a crazy bitch. Love her though! I mean she ruins my life, but she means well! I hate her but like, with love!
Anyway, all of that is to say: thanks for going on this journey with me. Thanks for allowing me to “flirt with the SILLY and SERIOUS” like my tagline says. I’m sure you all have it memorized and tattooed on the inside of your eyelids so you always remember what my newsletter is about. Truly, your dedication to this publication is unparalleled. I thank you. I love you. I can feel some of you unsubscribing as we speak. Goodbye! Farewell! I still love you! Goodnight!
If you’re still here, I wrote you a poem about cheese and womanhood because they are, in fact, conceptually the same. Don’t you think?
I hope you like this cheese poem, but the menstrual migraine I’m typing through is making my eyes feel kabobbed, so if you don’t like it, that’s fine. I have bigger fish to fry. Except I never fry fish anymore because our apartment has truly no ventilation which must be a code violation, but I like the maintenance man too much to bother him about it. Ily Gary! Please subscribe!
Okay, here’s the poem about cheese.
I can’t tell if I’m a swiss or a brie
I’ve got all these holes
I don’t want filled
and I always ooze
the longer you age me
the riper I stink
the more potent the flavor
the less people want a taste
some people are lactose intolerant
they may want to love you
but you’re no good for them
sometimes I wonder
if I am lactose intolerant
in this metaphor about cheese
and in real life
as someone with complicated poops
my sisters say I talk about poops too much
but when I was little
I thought all the boys
who talked about poops were immature
now all I want to be is immature
you know they call swiss without holes blind
the holes are the eyes
are the windows to the whole
what’s a woman without holes
to be filled by others
chunking out divots of body
full-fat, pasteurized, raw-milk baby
I’m a producer
aren’t I delicious
can I not ooze
and also remain empty
or at the very least full of myself
I’ll cut the cheese now. (Fart joke.)
I started to type “sorry this edition wasn’t very funny” and then I was like shut up why are you apologizing? So now I’ve typed it out like this so it looks like I’ve thought better of it, but really I want you to know that my sentiment is still sorry-ish even though I’m “working on myself” and trying to stop apologizing for existing. So basically I’m cheating and half-assing both things! OH WELL!
Thanks for putting up with me and my moody newsletter! If you love it, or at the very least think wow this girl needs HELP, please consider becoming a paid subscriber or passing it along to a friend.
As always, you can reply to this email or leave a comment if you have thoughts on cheese, life, how cool and vulnerable I am, etc.
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