#14: Woman Celebrates Birthday During Societal Collapse

SATIRE

Twenty-five-year-old Ariana Newhouse isn’t going to let the crumbling American Empire sour her special day. She’s determined to shake her ass and blow out her candles with or without her fundamental human rights.

We asked how the overturning of Roe v. Wade last week affected her birthday plans.

“Well, I deleted my period tracking app last Friday to avoid being wanted by the state when I inevitably miss a month because I’m mad irregular and not depressed enough for prison to sound like a cute little break right now. So I didn’t realize I’d be free bleeding at my party,” she said adjusting the sweatshirt tied around the waist of her mini dress.

“Aside from that and the general feeling of fear, anger, resentment, rage, betrayal, grief, and utter dehumanization it’s pretty much same old same old,” she said, adding, “Oh, and I am unfortunately in love with a white man, so that’s kind of a mood killer too if you know what I mean.”

Newhouse is among many women devastated by the news that they are wombs and wombs only in the eyes of The Supreme Court. This ruling affects more than the trajectory of their lives. It also affects how they can show up on Instagram for the next week.

When asked whether she was still going to post for her birthday Newhouse replied, “Oh definitely. I watched too many makeup tutorials not to post, but I’ll keep it really grounded. Like yes, I am hot…with rage! Y’know something a little funny and not totally out of touch.”

She continued, “I’m afraid of having intercourse, ever attempting to get pregnant, and reminding literally anyone with power of the rights I still have at the risk of them stripping those away too. But in that same spirit, we gotta party while we still have the right to birthdays, y’know?”

Inspiring words from a woman reduced to a vessel by her country. Join us in wishing Newhouse a happy birthday and donate to an abortion fund today if you are willing and able.