#122: An Open Letter to the Catcaller Who Tried to Entice Me with His Pancake Penis

SATIRE

Dear Stacked,

Remember me? You shouted, “Hey, Mommy! Let me dick you down,” at me on my way into work this morning. When I failed to reply, you gestured to your genitals and yelled, “I’m stacked, like pancakes!”

I have to admit, you got my attention.

As you could probably tell from my averted gaze as I beelined away from you, I am not interested in your pancake penis. I prefer my sexual organs non-street-sourced and syrup-free. Yet the writer in me demands we continue this conversation.

While I applaud your use of figurative language, the “stacked, like pancakes” simile left much to be desired linguistically. It’s a descriptive image, sure, but is it conjuring the picture you want to paint?

I have so many questions: How many pancakes do you typically stack? Do you have different catcalls for each mealtime? Why pick a flaccid food? Is your penis layered in some way? Do you need medical intervention?

Specificity of language is crucial, especially when trying to be persuasive. While your efforts did get me curious about what your soggy chode penis looks like, they didn’t get me any closer to wanting to be dicked down by it.

That’s why I thought we could workshop some alternatives for you to use on future victims. Even if they don’t want to engage with your penis on their way into the office (they won’t), they might admire how powerful your pen is.

If you’re beholden to the breakfast motif, perhaps these options will butter your muffin:

I’m hung, like sausage.

Classic. Erectile. Delicious.

I’m hard, like boiled eggs.

Firm, not flimsy. Reproductive by nature. A hearty snack she might enjoy if protein deficient.

If you’d like to keep the “stacked” imagery, might I suggest:

I’m stacked, like the books on your bedside table.

This one would be great for the bookish type, like myself. It’s smart to tailor your persuasive argument to your audience. Plus, this conjures the image of a bedroom which is a more typical setting for dicking down than the street.

I’m stacked, like the firewood I chopped at my remote cabin in the woods.

Wood is a timeless penile pseudonym, and this catcall adds a little detail about yourself. You paint a picture of where you’re from and where this innocent woman may spend her final moments if she accepts your invitation.

I’m stacked, like those rock piles on trails meant to keep you on the right path.

Forget the soft sog of pancakes. Rocks are rock-hard! This analogy has the added benefit of implying your penis will keep her on the right track. And she may need that trail marker tip when she’s running for her life from your cabin in the woods.

Remember, these are only suggestions. It’s important you put your own spin on the line so it really sings in your voice. You’re not just any catcaller. You’re you. That’s what makes your harassment special.

I’m just a woman with mountains of debt from a Creative Writing degree who had no interest in fucking you in the street. You’re merely a man with a mushy penis and limited understanding of literary devices. Together, our talents can create something beautiful.

I implore you to commit to your craft. Work hard, and one day you’ll find the perfect metaphor for your unique penis. And if you must catcall, at least have the self-respect to get good at it.

Sincerely,

Not-Your-Mommy, Ariana Newhouse