#121: An Open Letter to My Stalker Whom I Totally Respect

SATIRE

I was stalked for three months in 2022 by a man pretending to be my neighbor. I pitched this satire about it to several humor publications. They all rejected it for the same reason. “We certainly like parts of this, but it’s a bit dark for us.”

I agree. It is dark. Too dark to have happened to anyone. And yet, it happened to me.

The only way to combat the darkness is to drag it out into the light.

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Dear Ronny,

I’m sure it’s great to hear from me. Unless... Oh shoot, does this take the fun out of it for you? Please forgive me if I’ve overstepped. I know you like to make the first move.

Remember when you waited outside my apartment (probably for hours, you’re a dedicated fella) and when I came outside you grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into you like some tango move we hadn’t rehearsed?

And I was like, “No! Please, stop!”

And you were like, “Can I kiss you? Just right here?”

And you pointed to the side of your lips because you don’t admit it often but deep down you’re a sensitive guy and you figured maybe the woman you were holding against her will wouldn’t want a full-lipped kiss?

You were right! I didn’t. And I told you so. I screamed and screamed but nobody was around to hear me. And then when you leaned in to kiss me I managed to break free and run away?

Romantic to close your eyes while you puckered, but honestly I think it threw you off balance. Something to consider for next time.

Anyway, I thought it was a great story, so I called the cops, just to yap. I know they love to hear a white woman spin a yarn. But you won’t believe what the police said when I told them. They think I gave you the wrong idea! Can you believe that?

I’m sorry, but I can’t stand them taking away your credit. I would never plagiarize your ideas. I mean, that tango move? Inspired! I told them as much, but you know, ACAB and all that. They just didn’t believe me. Maybe you should write in? Set the record straight.

Oh, and I saw you dropped by with your friend. Woo! What a rush. You really got me there.

You know, when you and that other man rang my doorbell nine times and then hid below the windows so I couldn’t see you from inside? And when I answered the door you bum rushed it?

The metal storm door was still deadbolted. Lucky for me! Tough luck for you guys, though. I know you went to a lot of trouble for that attack. The coordination alone was impressive and noted, rest assured.

I just have one question. Your friend kept swinging that heavy-duty metal briefcase at my door again and again screaming at me to open it. What the heck was in that thing?

Drugs to sedate me? Tools to dismember me? A Deal or No Deal promissory note for the coveted $1,000,000 prize?

It keeps me up at night, that briefcase. Please let me know.

Your friend has a real future in terrifying women. Truly, I mean it. He may have only been a guest star in our saga, but he made quite the splash. Give him my best.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve already figured it out, but I wanted you to hear it from me: I’m moving. To Siberia.

I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you’ll find me in a quaint little town called Norilsk. I’ve always wanted to get into mining in the most remote parts of the Arctic Circle, so it’s really a dream come true.

I know you have a habit of going through my mail, so if anything doesn’t get forwarded properly in the next few weeks, would you mind tossing it in your carry-on? Thanks a million.

Safe travels!

Ariana

P.S. Next time you drop by, if you could explicitly threaten to kill me, that’d be great. It’s just that even with the photos of you following me and sitting on my stoop waiting for me and the bruises on my arms from the assault and attempted kiss and the footage of your attempted break-in, none of it is considered a crime unless I have proof you want to kill me.

If you just want to rape me, we can probably work with that. I’m happy to workshop the statement together when you get here.

And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, I see you. No matter what the police say, you’re a criminal in my book already. Don’t let them deny your power.

Anyway, we can do a voice memo or video or you can write a little note. Whatever you’re most comfortable with! We’ll figure it out later. I’ll be thinking about you. Non-stop. See you soon!

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Thanks for reading!

ily bye,

Ariana