#12: The Fruit Fly and I
ESSAY
Good morning gorgeous,
Sometimes writing these makes me feel like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City NOT in And Just Like That, for obvious reasons. This week, I am writing to you from the past, a la a week ago.
(This writing from the past thought felt very sexy and cool in my head before I realized that I am literally always writing to you from the past, even when I write the email in the hour before the 8:00am send. It’s always before you receive it, and therefore this whole writing to you from the past thing is actually very normal and boring. So I’ve dedicated an entire parenthetical paragraph to it because sometimes you think you’ve stumbled upon genius and it’s actually just Gene who works at the deli counter at Kroger, who you see every week but never really notice. But now that you’re looking at him, he does have a nice smile, doesn’t he? Yes. And who’s to say Gene isn’t a genius? This could be a Good Will Hunting scenario. Have I lost you yet? Great.)
I’m writing to you from the past because at present I am on a beach somewhere. Why is “on a beach somewhere” a more alluring phrase than “on a beach in Destin, FL with my family on vacation, and if you’re my stalker please don’t show up in Destin today, it will kill my ~vaca vibes~”?
Anyway, I’m on vacation. And clearly, I needed it. Are you reading the state I was in before this? Girl needed a break.
Before vacation, I was cohabiting with a fruit fly who stowed away on some flowers Adam got me. I love a gift that comes with a new mortal enemy. This fruit fly and I did not get off on the right foot on account of him being an unwanted visitor and me being a murderous shrew.
There is a significant language barrier between the two of us, so we have not been able to exchange pronouns, but I believe this fruit fly to be male. I asked him to stay away from me on multiple occasions, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. It was only when Adam came home that the fruit fly gave me any personal space at all. And I can only assume it’s because he didn’t want to step to his girl.
I admit I was not very welcoming. I tried to kill the fruit fly with toilet paper and tissues and a shoe and even my journal, which honestly I’m glad failed because can you imagine the stain of a life on the book I use to house my deepest thoughts? Bad juju. I even tried leaving out wine for him to drown himself drunk, but apparently the bloke is sober. Good for him.
At one point, in pure delusion, I thought I caught him. I was feeling like Obama in that PETA scandal. Except I was so sure that I had him in my closed fist that I didn’t know what to do. I just started jumping up and down saying, “I got him! I got him!” I tried to slam my palm down on the table like lights out, you fruit fly bitch. But, you guessed it, I never caught the fruit fly at all. I just have bad eyes. Adam swears he could see the bug laughing at me while I celebrated his supposed demise.
After that, I apologized and proposed a truce. We’ve been living in relative harmony ever since. He likes the way I smell, and he does not consume my flesh. Other than the time he flew up my nose while I was watching TV, we haven’t had any major incidents. Not going to lie though, I do hope he’s dead when I get back.
In other news, I’m so excited that some of you have submitted dreams and feedback on the newsletter! I love writing to you all, and it makes my heart sing to know some of you enjoy reading these. If you’d like to submit a dream, ask for advice, or request a guest post, you can do so here.
I’d also love to know one thing that made you smile this week. I sent out a Dopamine Dump of some of my recent joys to paid subscribers this week, and I’d love to include yours in an upcoming edition. Reply to this email with a photo, video, paragraph, or link to something that made you giddy recently, and I’ll spread that joy to the world. That’s right, the whole WORLD is on my email list. I know, impressive.
If, by chance, you know someone out of this world who’d love a silly email in their inbox every Friday, please encourage them to subscribe!
I hope your hearts are full and your homes are fruit-fly-less.
Your pal,
Ariana
Laughed out loud about Gene from the deli counter. I have a similar issue except mine is with a wasp that won't fly out the damn window, even though it's wide open. What a bastard.