#11: Swamp Ass Summer
QUIZ
Greetings earthlings,
It’s my first summer in DC, and it’s already a sweaty one. Apparently, the long-held belief that DC was built on a swamp is a myth, but that hasn’t stopped the swampiness from developing in my shorts. And it’s only June! This post is dedicated to everyone with two cheeks and a steamy crack.
Who will you be this Swamp Ass Summer? Take the quiz to find out.
1. What type of summer undies do you wear?
A. I don’t plan my undergarments seasonally. I just wear whatever.
B. I keep it loose in the caboose. Boxers > Briefs.
C. Commando or no-go. The fewer layers the better.
D. I wear a bathing suit under all of my clothes so I’m prepped for peak moisture.
2. On a scale of 1 to 10, how sweaty do you get on a sunny afternoon walk?
A. 1 - 3. I don’t sweat, I glisten.
B. 4 - 5. I get a cute little sweat going, but not enough to show.
C. 6 - 7. I’m mopping all pits, cracks, and crevices before I enter my destination.
D. 8 - 10. I visibly and regularly sweat through thick denim.
3. You’re two hours into a cookout with no shade. Where is your butt located on this heat map?
4. When you get a wedgie on a hot summer day, you…
A. Pick it, duh?
B. Squirm around until I shake it loose.
C. Actually, I don’t have a wedgie because I’m not wearing undies. You’d know that if you saw my answer to Q1. Summer is skirt/kilt/free-ball season.
D. Know better than to go fishing around down there, so I make peace with my new wedgied life.
5. You’ve been baking in the sun for hours “watching” America’s pastime and eating hot dogs. It’s time to get up and leave. You…
A. Get up and leave? Is this a trick question?
B. Cutely whisper to my friend “omg am I sweaty?” when I get up. I’m pretty sure I’m not, but just in case, I want her to know that I know so I can be quirky and charming about it.
C. Make an irrational stink about staying in my seat so everyone has to awkwardly squeeze around me to get out of the aisle. Once they’re out, I get up and suuuuper naturally hover my hands behind my butt in an attempt to cover the crack stain I know is blooming.
D. Slip away on the pools of sweat that have been collecting around my thighs since we got here. I slither down the stairs until I melt into the field. I am one with the stadium now. Asses to asses. Butt to butt. My friends go on without me. There is no saving me now.
Swampy Solutions: Check your results!
Mostly A’s: God’s Favorite
Give it to me straight. Did you do that celeb botox thing where they paralyze your sweat glands or are you just genetically superior? Next you’re going to tell me you don’t wear deodorant either because you “just don’t get B.O.” Do us all a favor and screw off, you lucky dog.
Mostly B’s: Fiona in Ogre Form
You’re no stranger to the swamp, but let’s be honest. You’re more hot girl than ogre girl. And the fact that you do perspire just a touch makes you more relatable than those Mostly A’s jerks. Summer is your time to shine. Go! Be free, my slightly sweaty angel!
Mostly C’s: Sweaty Eddie
So you sweat a lot. At least you’re not the worst of the worst, right? I think you can work this. Go full Baywatch and glisten all over. Dewy skin is still in, right? Just dew you all over, babe. Stay away from grays and clingy bottoms, and you’ll be golden.
Mostly D’s: Sweat Gland Personified
You’re a puddle! You’re a pond! You’re a motherfreakin swamp! Congratulations! You are among the swamp-assiest of us all. Swamps are actually incredibly valuable ecosystems. They’re chock full of biodiversity and act as sponges to redirect moisture away from other areas. Think of your buttcrack as the biome of your body’s dreams, and thank your booty today for its summer sacrifice.
Clearly I am a Sweat Gland Personified, and I made this quiz to feel seen. If you are so brave, leave a comment with your results so you can unite with your sweaty summer sisters. Wanna know how swamp-ass-y your friend is going to be at your Fourth of July barbecue? Send them this post to find out!
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Thanks for reading! Wishing you dry bottoms and wet…dreams? pools? beverages? Idk enjoy the weather!
Your Swampista,
Ariana