#109: 5 Steps for Handling Rejection Like a Professional Failure
SATIRE
Rejection is a part of life. For some, it’s a passing fling. For others, it’s a tumultuous marriage followed by a wicked divorce and contentious shared custody of a beloved dog. Don’t read too much into this metaphor. Read into these five easy steps for cozying up to rejection like a pro!
1. Shoot for the moon. You’ll land puke-side down on a G-force simulator at Space Camp.
Shooting for the moon will literally never land you among the stars. The moon is 238,900 miles away. The closest star (Aside from the sun, which let’s be honest, doesn’t count. Nobody is shooting for the sun. First of all, Icarus already did it and we all saw how that worked out. Second, you’d just end up blind and charred and the whole thing would be a waste.) is 4.24 lightyears away. That’s 25.44 trillion miles. Don’t check my math. Better to shoot for the moon (tangible, proof of concept from the 60s, potential alien meet-cutes on the dark side) and forget about the stars altogether.
Even with the scientifically plausible goal of shooting for the moon, you’ll fail. You’ll be rejected from NASA just like your pediatrician Dr. Smith said you’d be when you told him you wanted to be an astronaut when you grew up at your Kindergarten check-up. He told you you’d never make it because you had bad eyes and tubes in your ears and that pesky seizure habit that would definitely be a liability in space.
Best to find a new dream then. I assume that’s what Dr. Smith did when he left his wife for a patient’s mom, abandoned his practice, and fled to Texas. One dream ends, and another begins! Start rejecting your own dreams early and you’re well on your way to becoming a professional failure.
Dream big. Self-reject. Then dream medium and realize even that’s a stretch.
2. Always give your 11th best effort.
One of the easiest ways to become a professional failure is to never really try at anything, even the stuff you care about the most. Professional failures are adept at rejecting themselves before anyone else can. If you never truly know your own potential, it could be limitless! Sure, it could also be egregiously limited, but we’ll never really know, now will we?
Better to stunt your own progress than humiliate yourself trying your best. Remember, all worthwhile pursuits come immediately and naturally. If it takes practice, it’s not worth your potential perfect. So don’t even try.
As soon as you’re rejected, say loudly and brazenly, “I mean I didn’t even try so…” This works best if you anxiously dart your eyes around to gauge other people’s reactions.
3. Take every rejection personally.
This is who you are. A reject. A loser. A failure. I would explain more thoroughly, but you wouldn’t get it. Typical.
4. Compare your failure to others’ success.
They say it takes 100 or 1,000 or even 1,000,000 rejections before you hit success. But don’t listen to them. Everyone whose success you’re jealous of probably never got rejected and definitely didn’t feel like the crap-face loser-pants you do right now. It’s important to find role models that highlight your failure with their success.
For example, if your online humor pitch got rejected, might I suggest comparing yourself to esteemed comedy writers like Quinta Brunson, Issa Rae, or Tina Fey? Scour the internet to find how old they were when they first reached a level of success you can only dream of. Count back how many years behind them you are. Despair. Read deep into the internet on all their accolades until your eyes are so dry you can feel the scrape of your lids as you blink. Stop blinking entirely as you read about Emmy after Emmy after Emmy.
5. Keep going! Or quit!
As Samuel Becket once said, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” Kind of a long quote, but you get it. Your goal as a hopeful professional failure is to get really good at failing. That means getting rejected as often as possible.
But don’t do that rejection therapy thing that’s going around TikTok where people ask to Elf it at the mattress store or sing for strangers. Too often those turn into heartwarming videos of acceptance and human connection. No. You need to be failing and getting ruthlessly rejected as often as possible. And don’t think it’s so that you’ll build up a tolerance to the sting and no longer be afraid to truly shoot for the stars. Remember: we’re moon-shooters who will never walk on the moon.
Or you could just quit. All reject, loser behavior is acceptable, you failure!
Hi beauties!
Obviously this is satire and not how I truly feel about the many many rejections and failures that pave the way to success, especially in a creative career like mine. What a gift to fail! How beautiful it is to try at all! I actually do love that Beckett quote and used to have it tacked above my desk. “Fail again. Fail better.” Hope you’re taking your rejections in stride, being kind to yourself, honoring your progress, and trying again. We’ve got this! Insert other inspiration phrase! Woohoo!
ily bye,
Ariana