#104: Yes, I Have 597 Unread Emails and I Wrote This Instead of Opening Them

HUMOR

Listen, I want to be a clear inbox woman. I yearn for my drafts to echo against the caverns of my empty email. But I also have no choice but to join the email list of every brand offering 15% off through a targeted Instagram ad on the off chance I need to buy a new sarong or hanging succulent garden. So my list grows.

603 unread emails.

The thing is, I almost never use those coupon codes. For example, I’ve been getting marketing emails from SKIMS for three and a half years, and I don’t even wear bras. They clutter up my inbox and spike my heart rate when the subject line blares a CLEARANCE SALE. Sure, I’ll open those and scroll. I’m not a total psychopath. But I’m not buying anything. And as if cursed by some angered god, I’m not unsubscribing either.

611 unread emails.

I don’t even want to admit how many read emails are withering away in that dusty ebox. I don’t think I’ve deleted a single email in my entire life. They just languish there, discarded in purgatory, marked read but scarcely skimmed, until what? Is the internet storing every email ever sent? I could scroll back for years, erode the cartilage in both of my thumbs, get double-thumb surgery, do months of new-thumb arthritis physical therapy, get some mobility back, really pump my thumbs back into scrolling shape, swipe once more, reinvigorated by the power of my opposable appendage, and still never reach the end of my inbox.

617 unread emails.

The truth is, I get overwhelmed by the virtual mountain of mail. I build it up in my head until I can’t shake the image of the people who perish scaling Everest. How can I ensure my own safety in this arduous trek? I haven’t trained for this! My oxygens already low. I’m hyperventilating just thinking about it. Surely we’d all be better off staying at base camp for the night. And by base camp I of course mean scrolling through two hours of TikTok and hating myself for it in the routine comfort of my procrastination and shame.

649 unread emails.

If I owe you an email, please know I’m not ignoring you. I’m ignoring myself. And best believe I’m suffering for it. I know that doesn’t help you at all in getting your response. You won’t be comforted to know it doesn’t help me either. But here we are at the end of a different email that now we’ve both read. Shouldn’t that count for something? Probably not!

12,491 unread emails.

Exhilarating to think this very email will add to your own cache of unread. Funny that as soon as I hit send, it will also add to mine. Yes, I’m on my own email list. You’ve got to be your own biggest fan. But don’t take my word for it. I’m just a girl who doesn’t open emails sending out more emails.

Wishing you (and me) a rejuvenating inbox zero!

ily bye,

Ariana