#101: I Took a Month Off and Everything Isn't Ruined

I’m back, baby!

Dearest cherished reader,

I’m back, baby! What was supposed to be a quick week-and-a-half hiatus to accommodate my family vacation stretched luxuriously into a month-long summer break. I spent the second and third weeks railing against myself. Surely I had let you down. Yet another Friday slipped by without so much as a peep from me. And maybe I did. Some of you may have felt let down. For that, I am sorry and also grateful. Thank you for caring enough to be let down. Thank you for caring enough to notice something was amiss.

I carried my notebook with me everywhere. Sat many times at the blank page, fingers tempting a first peck on the keys (like a little kiss not like a chicken going after feed — however I would have welcomed either). But I had nothing. I was spent and blocked and needed a break. So I gave myself one.

First, begrudgingly. I mentally flogged myself. Plunged myself dunk-tank-style into the vats of shame and guilt constantly simmering on the backburners of my mind. Eventually though, I was able to settle in. One day I found myself actually resting.

Somehow I’d turned down the flames to a bathtub bubble. I dangled my feet instead of slinging fastballs at the bell ding-ding-dinging above the pots of my self-loathing. Is this carnival-stovetop-swimming vessel mixed metaphor landing for anyone?

My point is, when I finally stopped beating myself up for needing the break, I could actually take the break. I stopped filling all the time I “should” have been writing concocting reasons why all 570 of you (brag!) individually and rightfully hate me and will never forgive me for this. (Please reconsider!) Once I cut that crap out, I was able to actually rest. For what felt like the first time in a long time.

And wouldn’t you know it? Resting works! I’ve been so excited to get back to this newsletter! I have so much to tell you all! So many clumsy metaphors to mix! Countless exclamation points to exclaim!

All of that is to say, thank you for your patience. I appreciate you sticking around, and I can’t wait to get back to it.

Here’s a poem I wrote during my time off:

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I am I am I am

I think therefore I am
but the wind is
loss is
the waves are
laughter is
anguish is
the stars are
heat is
hunger is
our histories are
dawn is
fear is

you are not your thoughts
you are
mine are not
I am 
I am I am I am

I feel therefore
I love therefore
I hope therefore

or perhaps
I merely
I simply
I just

I am I am I am

the universe
she laughs
or doesn't
she is
the universe
she yearns
or doesn't
she is
the universe
she ends
or doesn't
she is

she is she is she is
I am I am I am 

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It’s so good to be back. Thank you again.

ily bye,

Ariana

Big Beautiful P.S.!

An artist in every sense, friend of the newsletter, and keeper of my heart, Samah Meghjee, worked her cute booty off on a show that premiered this week on Apple TV! Go stream Sunny to laugh and cry and see all her hard work come to life! Watch it. You’ll like it.