#1: My Preferred Proper Nouns

An intro to me and Respectful Smartass.

Hello!

I’m Ariana Newhouse. My preferred pronouns are she/her. And my preferred proper nouns are Respectful Smartass.

I currently possess many titles: Writer, Comedian, Sister, Daughter, Partner, Friend, Twenty Something, TikTok Addict, Enneagram 4W3, ENFJ, Feminist, Artist, Actor, Screenwriter, Procrastinator, Headache Haver, Headache Giver, Freelancer, Sock Hoarder, Cancer Sun/Gemini Moon/Sagittarius Rising, Cry Baby, etc. But my favorite above all is Respectful Smartass, bestowed upon me by my grandmother (henceforth referred to as Mamaw).

In the Newhouse family, Respectful Smartass is the greatest honor you can receive, and I boast it proudly. This newsletter will be chock full of respectful smartassery, so if you’re like I don’t get it — don’t fret. We’ll get there. Also maybe have a piece of fruit or something. Get those juices flowing.

Before anybody comes for me saying But Ari, ‘Respectful’ is an adjective. It’s not even a noun. How can it be your preferred proper noun? You can just can it because a quick Google search I didn’t fact check says any capitalized title becomes a proper noun. So there. (Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. And visualize me sticking my tongue out at you in a very mature display of I told you so.)

Some things to mention: I like to start my sentences with conjunctions and use an excess of parentheticals (they’re fun). Sue me! (Please don’t. I can’t afford the legal fees. #debt) Comedy writing is my jam, so there will be a lot of humor here. It’s important to me that I never lose the Respectful in favor of the Smartass, so I’ll do my best to find a balance between the two. When I was in eighth grade, and by no means a comedian, this quote from John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars kept me up at night:

She is funny without ever being mean.

At face value, not an Earth-shattering quote, but it shook me. I was often mean, even just internally, for the sake of being funny. Not anymore (mostly)! The comments are open so feel free to call me on my shit if I ever cross that line. I want this to be a safe space to work on my craft, build community with you all, and inspire those sharp nose-exhale laughs every week.

I’m so glad you’re here. Like this glad. I plan to use this newsletter as a creative playground. Sometimes it’ll be satire. Sometimes personal essays. Sometimes quizzes or listicles or poems or advice you should take with a boulder of salt. If there’s something you’d like to see here, please let me know in the comments below. Or reply to this email if you’d prefer to remain anon.

[insert brilliant and inspirational quote about this being fertile ground for us to bloom together]

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Thank you for reading! There is more fun to come. If you’re currently a free subscriber and feeling extra generous, you can become a paid subscriber here. Paying members help keep this content free and accessible to everyone. For that, I am extremely grateful.

If you know someone who is just dying to receive more emails, please pass this along!

Finally, for all my DC peeps: I will be at The Saloon next Friday, April 8 doing a standup set for Kinda Live Comedy. It’s a FREE SHOW and all drink purchases benefit the venue’s non-profit dedicated to building schools around the world. Get tickets here!

Thanks so much for reading. I promise there will be more HaHas and less housekeeping next week.

Later sk8r,

Ariana